#which yes i do have general anxiety and panic disorder but I know for a fact thats not what is causing this

[the-sleepy-conductor]

Idk if this technically counts as a vent or something but this totally killed my mood today

Me: I want to get tested for ADHD, I always feel like I'm thinking a thousand things a minute and I can't sit still or focus and it takes at least an hour minimum to fall asleep every night and I wake up 2-6 times on average

Doctor: Oh that's just your anxiety

Me: No, actually, I've been doing really well in terms of anxiety, I've been managing it well and having fewer panic attacks each month. This has to be something else, it's affecting how I function daily

Doctor: Well it sounds to me like you're just anxious, your anxiety is spiking

Me: I literally cannot focus on ANYTHING and it's affecting how I get tasks done at work, I always fidget constantly, not to mention half the time I don't even know I'm fidgeting and it drives my family and coworkers up a wall, I have to pace around and talk to myself in order to think clearly without getting distracted, I forget to eat- sometimes for days on end, and I never know when to start or stop talking in a conversation

Doctor: Yeah that's your anxiety

Me: Like I said, I've been managing my anxiety really well and I'm always working to step outside of my comfort zone. I'm not having as many panic attacks as I did before, my heart palpitations have stopped, and I no longer feel constantly stressed

Doctor: Ok so since your anxiety is really bad right now I'm gonna increase your dosage for your medication

Me: Wait no-

Doctor: And I'm gonna have you do some anxiety questionnaires too, see you in a month :)

[tennisdadsaficionado]

OK so long post, please bear with me here.

1) When I have a hyperfixation, I (like many neurosparkly people) take any slight, perceived or otherwise, against the object of my hyperfixation incredibly personally. My hyperfixation is on Jannik himself as much as it is on tennis (I don't like admitting that LOL) so right now, I'm pretty stressed. I have no idea how he's holding it together because I am NOT. Yes, I am trying to be all manifesting positivity and not worry about something I can't control because and my therapist would be incredibly proud of me, she's been working on this with me for years. Like I legitimately feel like I've just failed a drugs test here. I feel worse than I did when I lost my job a couple of months ago.

2) I am autistic so it's possible that might be reading intent behind comments I'm seeing wrong but jokes/comments/anything about unaliving yourself and/or or perpetrating violence against sporting agencies = bad. I'm finding things I'm seeing to be very triggering. I have just had a panic attack here. Li has had to do some grounding with me. I'm still kinda crying. I have been dealing with unaliving myself ideation for over 30 years, and have attempted to do so on multiple occasions.

Jokes about unaliving yourself are not funny. If you think it's an appropriate way of expressing how upset/angry/stressed you are, it's not. If you seriously feel that way, please please please get help, please talk to someone. It doesn't have to be a professional.

This… y'all it's making me incredibly uncomfortable and triggered, and I don't use 'trigger' lightly - my partner has c-PTSD and I have many diagnosed anxiety/mental health disorders, so I never use it to mean 'oh I just don't like it', we're talking full on involuntary recall of trauma here and psychological and physiological response to said trauma.

I'm already loving tennisblr and I want to be part of the community I've found here. I absolutely do not expect anywhere online to be a safe space for me. I've been in online fandom for over 25 years, I know it's down to me to curate my online experience - and believe me, I do. So going forward, and I absolutely don't mean to flounce here because I don't want to leave, I am here for the fucking love of tennis, of Jannik, but may have to start unfollowing/block for the good of my own mental health. Which I hate because up to now, my experience of tennisblr, of Jannikblr, is pretty much full of love and acceptance and a very welcoming community. But before I go ahead and start unfollowing/blocking, I wanted to take the time to put this post out there and hope that maybe it'll make people think about what they're saying, about the impact the language that's being used can have. If you feel the need to unfollow me for saying this, I understand.

3) I'm seeing some misinformation about the appeal being spread. So, from what I've been able to ascertain, as this is an appeal case that's being put before the CaS, the process is different because there's no investigation being done by them - that's already been done by the ITIA. This is WADA saying we disagree with the outcome. WADA have submitted their appeal, Sinner's team will now/may already have submit their reply to the CaS. The CaS then decide if they're even going to accept the appeal. If they do, a hearing well be held, both parties present evidence and argue their case. Now, as this is an appeals case, this must be done WITHIN 3 months. And the verdict can be given on the day of the panel. (https://www.tas-cas.org/en/general-information/frequently-asked-questions.html)

4) I know I've used the phrase 'manifest positivity' already, both in this post and previous, but like… Tennisblr manifested the Sincaraz season slam, right?. Tennisblr is working super hard on manifesting a Sincaraz final in Beijing. So lets use our powers for good and send out the good vibes into the universe, and buoy up our boy, let him know we're behind him, we believe in him and all that. (Yeah, kinda pagan kinda hippie. I kinda am).

At the end of the day, regardless of what happens, we know he did nothing wrong!

Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk. But seriously, if you've read this far, thank you.

[lovely-rants-alot]

so ah. i was not productive at all today its like 10:21 am so there is still hope but GUESS WHAT ELSE I DID????

so basically i posted a translation of a ukrainian poem and now i have a new project where I will be becoming closer to ukrainian by translating poetry you should go look at that post I am quite proud of it Нічого такого не сталось – @jerry-the-leech on Tumblr and i will be continuing to do that because it was fun and also i might do some poems in spanish becasue I am learning it and it would be fun

but mainly ukrainian for now

Also currently i am looking at this thing called "culture bound syndrome" It's basically behairvoral phenomena are particular to a certain culture because of the history associated with it

I got down this rabbithole by researching what a wendigo was they are super cool I might write a story about them

So basically an example of culture bound syndrome is "susto", found in central and latin American cultures:

Susto (Latin America): Marked lethargy, anxiety, and somatic complainant symptom; it is thought to arise after a sudden fright or traumatic occurrence.

Cultural Context: In the same way, it is believed that for the indigenous people in Mexico and Central America, susto is the leaving of the soul from the body and, thus, requires soul healing.

(overview from Culture-bound Syndrome )

Susto comes from the word "asustar" which means to surprise. It basically meant you had like an encounter with the spiritual world, or something disturbing, or something else, and now you're panicking and all that stuff.

And the reason its sorta called that is because in a lot of more rural regions of latin America people don't go to the doctor a lot (like only in life threatening situations or broken bones) so they used to have to go like the shaman or the mujera sabie (wise woman)

Also a lot of these superstitions are influenced by catholicism in the latin americas, so there was "susto" and "envidia" (envidia is like the evil eye someone gave when they were jealous) and that's super interesting.

"Susto may be a culturally dependent variation of the symptoms of a panic attack, which is distinct from anxiety and depressive disorders." (Wikipedia) (yes I know I know)

so its a lot of similar symptoms to a panic attack, but culturally bound to latin America, specifically indigenous nations.

"Treatments among indigenous people are natural. Some natural treatments to susto consist of using plants as medicine; sweating out the toxins; and massaging to encourage blood flow. Prayer is a big part of the treatment of susto. In addition to prayer, healing rituals are also used, some of which include sweeping and giving gifts." (Wikipedia)

Susto has a lot of overlap with other existing disorders and symptoms, but like many culturally bound syndromes stuff, they are particular in history and happen in specific cultures

"Three syndromic subtypes of susto show a symptomatic overlap with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and somatic disorder.

However, linguistic metaphors describing symptoms and perceived causes that are specific for Latin American culture support the concept of susto as a specific idiom of distress (e.g., loss of soul, shadow or ajayu; sunken, closed or white eyes; jumping and screaming in the night; being thrown to the ground).

In addition, if diagnostic criteria are met for mental disorders, then susto describes a perceived cause of psychopathological states (e.g., depressive disorder, PTSD, somatic disorder, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder).

Future research with people who have experienced susto is needed to clarify whether susto precedes the onset of other mental disorders (perceived cause) or whether it is a way of designating distress (idiom of distress)." national library of medicine Susto as a cultural conceptualization of distress: Existing research and aspects to consider for future investigations - PMC

Basically, susto does have a lot of overlap with existing mental states but it can also be a cause of them. So people are still researching

and the class is ending so i gtg I'm gonna send you more later

how are you lovely lovely?

(sorry this ended up being long. Sources:

Culture-bound Syndrome 

Susto - Wikipedia (*sighs* yes i realize but im gonna check their references later and they looked reliable at first glance and then I'm gonna read them too)

Susto as a cultural conceptualization of distress: Existing research and aspects to consider for future investigations - PMC

my spanish teacher)

thank you for litneing lmao

woah

that's really cool tbh

also you ate on that poem translation

I'm not gonna respond to everything but that's really interesting. I can't think of anything else to say besides it's interesting help

but like that really is something cool to look into

help I'm being so dry rn

also girl I don't give a fuck if you used wikipedia. I fucking love wikipedia. If I'm just looking into smth for myself I'm gonna use wikipedia

I'm good! My friend is gonna start making youtube videos and I'm gonna edit them or some of it so that's cool

erm not much has really changed since last time we talked

how are you?

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

Hi Kat,

I just need to vent to someone that understands the struggles of mental & physical health, and how doctors and people in general just dismiss things that they don't think are distressing, but it's really distressing for the patient and they refuse to believe this.

I am extremely frustrated with the disparity in mental health and the perceptions that even doctors have between what's "serious and needs medication" and "milder" conditions. When it comes to bi polar disorder and schizophrenia, doctors/society is like "yes of course you should be on medication! It's wreckless that you're not! You need to be on medication! It's the only thing that's going to fix this!" But when its comes to depression, severe anxiety and panic disorder and panic attacks, which I'm unfortunately suffering with, different doctors keep saying to me "Have you tried deep breathing? Yoga? Going for a walk? Downloading a mental health app (that sells your data and uses ChatGPT, a lot of them fired their councellors to save money 🙄)

The only medication that has really helped with the panic attacks has been xanax - and they don't want to give it to me even in low doses because "it's addictive". This is really distressing to me, and they just keep saying try deep breathing etc.

I've asked for alternatives, and I'm on mirtazapine, but I've gained 14lbs in the last 2 months, and I'm really uncomfortable and unhappy about that, and I want to stop taking it.

I've been waiting 6 months and still waiting to see a psychiatrist, because GPs just don't want to deal with prescribing medications. The psychiatrist appointment is going to cost €400 for 1 hour! Nice work for them I guess. If the psychiatrist tells me to go for walks, do yoga etc. Instead of actually taking me seriously, I genuinely think I will have a break down. I just can't believe how difficult this process of getting help has been. It's been like pulling teeth. I feel like so much of the "help" that's being offered is just so in sincere and belittles what it's like to have depression and anxiety.

Thank you for having honest and real discussions about this. Your blog has really made me feel less alone and less scared, which is more than the doctors have done.

I really appreciate the daily positive messages. I'm sorry for the long post and understand if it's too long to reply to.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and it really frustrates me when psych professionals assume they know our needs better than we do. Whether they're pushing unwanted invasive pills on people with schizophrenia and bipolar, or refusing to medicate anxiety and depression, it's really not okay!

[pinkcherryblossomangel]

Away from myself

Chapter 2

- it's eight months after the last chapter

- it's seven months since Y/N saw some nasty responses to rumours

- it's six months since she started spiralling

- five months since she stopped replying to his text

- four months since she stopped reading them

- three months since he stopped messaging

- two months since she stopped sleeping properly

- one day till she has to see him again.

Starring

Bang Chan

Y/N

Han

Changbin

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

Trigger warnings

Depression

Eating disorders

Body issues

Anxiety

Self-hatred

General poor mental health

Online hate

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

I wipe away my tears with my sleeve. Im gonna have to lie through my teeth.

"Sorry I've been watching..."

"About time?" He questions, a sense of familiarity lacing his voice. Of course he remembers my favourite film, we watched it three days in a row when we had a week off. Its a sense of comfort in a rushed world.

Enjoy every moment as if you've travelled back in time to savour this moment again.

His face looks different. Tired. Like when I first met him. By the last day on set he looked like a new man. Said sleeping beside me almost everynight helped lull him to sleep.

That's all we did. sleep. Never anything more. As much as I want to...wanted to. I can't cross that line. I know myself, I know I'd never be able to let him go. And he deserves better.

I'm suddenly acutely aware that we're standing in my doorway, and have been for way longer than is normal.

"Yes" I say, finally confirming the film. "Come in", I gesture to the couch "let's sit".

I sit down first, he goes to sit right next to me but changes direction to the other end of the couch.

An awkward silence fills the room.

Both our eyes avoiding each other.

I suddenly have become fascinated in the light fixture on the ceiling it seems.

My hands have become clammy and my chest has gone tight. I need to look at him. I try to steal a glance and turn to look at him, he looks at me too.

"Y/N", I look away, but he cups my face before I fully turn. I lean into his hand. It's like it was made to fit my face. I can't look at him, the tremble in his voice when he said my name proves what I already know. I've hurt this man. Hurt him so bad and yet he still has hope in us.

In me.

"Y/N, please look at me." I shut my eyes even harder, till I start seeing stars. "Please. You broke my heart you at least owe me this." My eyes errupt, tears streaming down my face. Every apologetic cliche spilling from my lips. His hands firmly grip my shoulders. He knows a panic attack is brewing. He shouldn't have to know. He shouldn't have to deal with this. With me.

"It's okay Y/N. Do you want me to hold you?" His voice honeyed and calm. "I can be your weighted blanket" He says trying to lighten the mood. I nod so hard I think my head will fall off, and climb into his lap. My head falls onto his chest. His arms wrap around me tightly, but not tight enough.

"Tighter" I say. He squeezes me till there's no gap between us. If you found us buried like this, you'd have a hard time deciphering which bone went where.

Eventually my breathing evens out. My pulse levels. My head feels less heavy.

I need to be brave.

I look up at him. His mouth's curved into a gentle smile. His eyes filled with love. His hand caressing my hair.

"You deserve more than me," the confession takes both of us aback. I don't remember choosing to say that. His brows furrow, his smile drops.

"What?" He moves so he can see my face. His eyes widen and lips press into a line.

"You deserve more than me" this time It's a conscious choice. Let's rip the band aid off. Be brave. "It's why I stopped responding. I thought it would be the easier way of ending whatever it was we were." I climb of off him, sitting back on the couch where I was before. His hands clench in unison with his jaw. His gaze transfixed on the floor.

Forever stretches between us before he answers.

"You don't get to do that. You don't get to be the martyr." His eyes still fixed on the floor. "You don't get to choose who I love. Who deserves my love." He lifts his head up but he can't meet my eyes. With a huff he lifts himself from the couch. "I thought I'd fucked up. I thought I was being too clingy..." he paces around my room, still not looking at me. "I thought I'd taken things too far, pushed you too far. I had Han and Changbin comforting me because I thought I had hurt you..." He doesn't raise his voice once. He just speaks his truth. "The guilt I felt"

"I'm sorry" the tears have started falling again. "It's just... my brain the way it works..." I don't know how to end this sentence. What do I say. "I didn't think you'd care if I just didn't respond. If you never saw me again." He quickly turns to face me. His face contorted with confusion. "I just... fuck I don't know how to say this. I don't know how to be honest"

"Just say it Y/N. Even if you think it doesn't make sense, let me try to understand. Please" His voice cracks, his words entwined with what sounds like desperation.

My hands cover my face, I can't look at him and say this. Pretend he's not here. I'm alone in my bedroom at home talking to myself as usual. What would I tell Chris if I knew there were no consequences. Just say it, it can't get any worse than I've already made it.

"I saw a tweet. A few tweets actually. Someone had spotted us that night we went to the karaoke bar. On our way there with your arm around me. It was actually a really cute picture." I exhale out my nose, trying to take the sting out of what I'm about say. "The replies weren't very nice." I sense chan move nearer to me, his hand fall to my knees. I flinch slightly from the sensation. I think he's crouching down in front of me. "Nothing I hadn't already said about myself. Nothing I hadn't heard before in real life. But they were confirming everything. I wasn't good enough for you. I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or famous enough." Every sentence adding to my building frustration. "If I was given a quid for every time I had read people comparing me to different fat animals, I'd be fucking loaded" I laugh. I have to, otherwise it'll break me even more. "I didn't want you to read them and..."

I don't want him to see what people say and agree.

I don't want him to be embarrassed by me.

I don't want him to regret being seen with me.

"I know I shouldn't have made the choice for you. I shouldn't have thought I know what's best for you, but I...I..." I take a deep breath. Be brave "I didn't want you to read them and realise they were right. And then I just spiralled further and further into this hole of self hatred. And I couldn't find a way out of it so I just ignored you." It all rushes out of me, my tongue getting tied every few words.

Silence

His hands find their way up to mine, and Chris moves them from my face, tucks his finger under my chin, and lifts it up so im looking at him. Our eyes meet, our breath in sync. He scans my face, like he's looking at something he can't quite believe exists, and then gently swipes his thumb across my cheek and cups my faces. I lean into him.

"How could I ever not want you?" We're both still, our eyes locked together. "You are the most beautiful person I have ever met. The bravest person I have ever met. God knows if I could meet with vulnerability half as well as you can I would be the greatest lyricist know to mankind." He smiles

"You are already" I managed to say through sobs, smiling back at him. His eyes turn to crescents. I've missed that smile.

"I mean to be honest the songs I've written about you recently have been pretty good." He says half laughing

"You wrote about me?" My eyes widen, and I wipe the wetness off my face. I must be a right sight.

"Of course I did. I haven't been able to stop." He brushes my hair out of my face. "I've found a great muse in you. The way you make me feel is... safe. At home."

"I feel the same." I reply. His grin painting his face once more. I place my hand on his cheek. "I just need to work on myself. I can't accept your love before I accept my own. If you get what I mean." His smile slowly fades, but his eyes are filled with admiration. He leans in and kisses my forehead.

"I know what you mean." He pauses "but would you do me the honour of sharing that journey with you? We don't have to be anything official. I just... I wanna be here for you. I don't want you to isolate yourself again."

"I didn't isolate..."

"I spoke to Tash and Jenna. Well they spoke to me. They reached out because you weren't responding. It's okay I'm sure they'll understand" He must've seen me realise I'm gonna have to explain myself to 3 more people. "How can anyone stay made at you" His face is once again completed with his smile.

"I want you there with me. On this path to self love." I pause "I think I may have out done myself with the cringey metaphors" I laugh.

I stand up from the couch, and Chris follows suit. He's taller than me which is strange, so I look down.

"Nice heels" I snark. I'm usually almost 2 inches taller than him. He chuckles, whilst wrapping me in his arms.

"Breaking them in for tomorrow", he smells the same. I feel every tension in my body slowly dissipate as a breathe him in.

"I've missed you" I say into his neck. He hugs back harder in response.

"Y/N!!! I GOT US FACE MASKS!!" My mum yells from my door. I break from chris' embrace. He looks almost scared by the sudden yelling.

"That's my mum. We're northern, yelling is normal." I laugh. "Uhm I guess you're about to meet her." He sticks his hands in his pockets. He's nervous. "Just say hey and you can go if you want. It's been a lot already tonight" he combs his hand through his hair.

"That may be best. I think I'll sleep well tonight." He replies.

"Me too", I lead him to the door preparing for this meeting between chan and my mum.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Shreya A Cadwell

Published: May 7, 2022

One of the best movie characters I have seen portray PTSD symptoms is Charlie in “The perks of being a wallflower.” Throughout the movie, his silent suffering and disturbing symptoms affect his life quality and relationships. Charlie experiences several flashbacks and relives the trauma repeatedly with a racing heart. Scenes play on in the back of his head with memories that are so painful to remember that he has forgotten large parts of the whole story. He has suffered a series of unfortunate events during his life, something I can relate to, which made me develop PTSD myself. Today, there are many productions that display mental illness, “13 reasons why” is another example, and one of the reasons why mental health is more widely talked about than ever before.

In real life, PTSD is a diagnosis that often comes with great empathy from people around you. Known as a common stress disorder among veterans, it is almost like wearing a badge of honor in today’s society. Let me explain why this can become troublesome for us that live with a mental disorder.

The feeling of constant shame

It is lunchtime, and I am on the subway on my way down to the city core of Stockholm. I have carefully chosen a spot on the train close to the doors where I can see people from every train angle. I listen carefully to every sound around me, and every person that might look or act a little odd has my full attention. I can feel sweat running down my back.

“Does anyone notice how nervous I am?”

At the third station, a woman enters the train. She walks through the sliding doors and sits down with her friend in front of me. She is one of the people on the train that I find odd.

She wears a pair of black sunglasses and a black cap, and she holds her friend’s hand as she rocks her body slowly back and forth, seemingly nervous. It looks like she has a panic attack.

What struck me in this situation is how she acts out her stress in front of everyone and has her friend’s full attention the whole trip. She strokes her hand. They both have that look in their eyes,

“Can you not see that she is suffering?”

I know many people with severe disorders, from having one myself. We have one thing in common: the feeling of shame. Shame for what we have been through, guilt for letting it happen, and shame for letting it happen again.

When you feel this intense amount of shame for what you are, you are not so eager to show it in front of other people, not even in a group meeting with people who deal with the same feelings.

Most of us would not dream of putting ourselves in such a vulnerable situation where so many people publicly got to see our worst moments of fear.

No, we suck it up, avoid and hide.

We become chameleons in a society that praise people who are open with their imagined illnesses.

A mental illness is not a badge of honor. Many self-diagnosed people out there get to represent an illness they do not even suffer. There are many tests and articles online and a generation of social media awareness on mental health problems. That leads many to self-diagnose a severe illness, and we do not just diagnose ourselves but even the people around us. How many life coaches out there put up clip after clip on tackling narcissists?

Can we self-diagnose cancer?

No, and how do we feel about people who fake serious illnesses? We despise them. But you have to pretend many symptoms psychically for cancer and other serious diseases. It is easier to put on a spontaneous show of having an anxiety attack.

Yes, the woman on the train may have a mental illness. I can’t be the judge of that. Her behavior felt staged and didn’t align with how many of my friends act or how I operate. It was a bit too much of everything. We all show emotion and handle difficult situations differently. I respect that some people might act out that way, but I would not consider it the norm. Most of us want to fit in so well with the rest, so we act our way through situations or avoid them.

“Emotional numbing is a way for many to cope with life.”

It took me years to get diagnosed with PTSD and to get help. I felt that the health care system did not take me seriously when I entered the room at the therapist’s office. I managed to talk about what I had gone through in a civil matter. After meeting several therapists, I met the right one, who chose to look at my background and how my body reacts to situations instead of what I decided to show openly.

One of my first therapists wrote in my journal that I was in a very sane state of mind when talking and just needed a little help and support. Therefore I was not in such need of direct assistance. Today, I know it is called emotional numbing, a character trait for someone with PTSD. It is how I have learned to cope with what I have on my brain when adrenaline rushes through my system. That is how many of us who have suffered severe trauma copes with life.

The consequences of self-diagnosis

Although we have a greater awareness of mental health issues, our openness has helped destigmatize them. It has also affected people by attributing it to symptoms of imagined mental illness. A professional medical diagnosis is hard to obtain for a reason.

I believe that one of the consequences of a society where people now self-diagnose severe mental health disorders is that those who suffer for real do not get the help they need. It is more convenient for a therapist to take on patients who need a few meetings, a couple of pills, and then it is over and done. They are paid the same for that type of patient and a patient like me, with a history of multiple fallbacks and repeated trauma patterns.

Most of us who suffer from high functioning mental illness hide it pretty well, and the only ones who get to experience and suffer with us to some degree are often family members and partners. But all around us, our coworkers and friends use the complex word anxiety when they mean that they are stressed. Stress and low moods such as sadness or grief are normal and healthy coping mechanisms that are part of life. Anxiety is a deep-rooted rumination that something will go wrong, all the time and in every situation.

It enhances the feeling of isolation and loneliness you already feel because you are not coping on the same level as your friend who has self-diagnosed. All of a sudden, “everyone” suffers from anxiety. Everywhere you turn and it downplays the suffering you feel yourself.

Another problem with self-diagnosis is that it can prevent you from seeing the real issue, for example, an underlying medical issue.

“You do not have a monopoly on pain.”

Some happenings are part of life, which are such joint suffering for most people. Then there is the sudden or long-lasting trauma of an event that is so specific to you that it’s hard to get other people to understand the suffering and fear you’ve experienced.

To hear that you can be diagnosed with PTSD for going through a divorce or think you can because you experience some complicated emotions. It downplays the suffering of more complex situations where your life has been in great danger. It takes away the real struggle from those who are suffering.

The lines get more blurry for diagnostic requirements for mental illnesses that affect your daily life and it has severe consequences for us. Eventually, that can take us down a very dark path instead of staying put on the road to recovery.

Shreya A Cadwell is a writer with a particular interest in psychology, politics, and sociology. She is diagnosed with PTSD and, therefore, has a burning passion for how mental health reflects our society and how we live.

==

Self-diagnosis is much like blaming the devil for your failings, or blaming your astrology sign for your bad behavior.

Self-diagnosis is also the exact same thing as "self ID."

[ryttu3k]

30 questions, Dark Urge edition! These ones are for Tavias! Spoilers for the whole game, some earlier questions here. I've only just got to the end of act 2 in this run, so some stuff I'm actually not up to yet and it's just based on what I have planned for this run.

Tavias, wood half-elf, draconic bloodline sorcerer

1. What circumstances led to your Dark Urge becoming their Class/Subclass?

Well, when a little kid is born with scales and horns and can set things on fire when they sneeze, there's probably a good chance they're a draconic bloodline sorcerer!

How does that work with the whole Dark Urge origin thing? Who knows tbh.

2. Did your Dark Urge have any romantic and/or sexual relationships prior to their illithid adventure? If yes, who was it with and what was it like? If no, how did they feel about being single?

There was, uh, whatever was going on with Gortash. He liked Gortash a lot, which was a Problem because he had that whole holy mission to MURDER THE ENTIRE WORLD and that presumably included any possible love interests. So. Bit of conflict there. Just a bit.

For sexual relationships, I don't think we want or need to know that :|

3. What would your Dark Urge consider to be their greatest skill? Is this accurate?

He's pretty good at setting stuff on fire XD;; Either deliberately or, uh, accidentally. Honestly, it's probably that he genuinely likes making people happy, and seems to actually be pretty decent at it. More deep-and-meaningfuls than pep talks, I think?

4. What would your Dark Urge consider to be their greatest flaw? Is this accurate?

The murderous impulses are a bit of a flaw, Janet. No but honestly, it's probably his anxiety disorder (I suspect it's more Panic Disorder than GAD?). This was actually easier to deal with pre-Nautiloid, because he could generally just… kill whatever the stressor was. Now, he has to actually try and work through it.

5. What opinion does your Dark Urge have about the Gods?

An assortment of opinions depending on the God, really. Will cover Bhaal specifically in question 26, but he thinks very little of Bane and Myrkul, considering them the weaker parts of the Dead Three. He has some passing interest in Mystra, although that becomes disgust and loathing after he befriends Gale, is a bit frightened of Lathander, doesn't have a lot of consideration for Shar other than, "Well, she exists", although he also ends up pretty disgusted by her after everything with Shadowheart, and is pretty sure Selûne would hate him on instinct but has no negative feelings towards her in return, and is really quite gratified when he's able to help Aylin.

As for Jergal, see question 30 :D

6. How does your Dark Urge react to waking up with memory loss?

With a fair bit of swearing. The only thing he remembers initially is his name, and when he says it to himself - "Tavias" - it's like it unlocks the rest of The Basics. He knows the concept of Faerûn, although it takes him a few days to remember he's from Baldur's Gate, he knows how to speak Common, he knows bits and pieces about the land, although the details elude him for a little while. Like when he sees Shadowheart, he recognises from her symbol that she's Sharran, but not who or what Shar is, for a little bit.

7. Did your Dark Urge recall any childhood memories? If yes, how do they feel about the revelations? If no, was it by choice or lack of options?

Yup, particularly as he gets to Baldur's Gate and starts seeing things that trigger memories. He does remember playing tag with other kids, but he also remembers killing his foster parents. The good times make him feel incredibly sad, honestly, and the violent ones just make him feel sick and scared. There's not a lot of comfort in those memories, unfortunately, even if he does desperately want to regain more of the times when he was still innocent.

8. How does your Dark Urge feel about the wilderness?

A little uncomfy, in that he's very much a city kid. It's actually really nice being out in it! He likes going for nature walks! He just doesn't like biting insects, or mud, or having to do much climbing and scrambling around, or getting sweaty/wet/too hot/too cold…

9. How does your Dark Urge feel about the city?

It's home. He's in his element here, particularly in the Lower City - while he grew up in poverty in the Outer City, the Lower City is where he first found his 'family', and although not all of the memories are fond (there's, um, a lot of murdering), he still feels he belongs there.

10. What motivates your Dark Urge to either embrace or resist the tadpole?

Initially, curiosity. If he can work with his tadpole, maybe it'll help stitch his brain back together? By the time he meets the Emperor properly, he's in full distrust mode and somewhat regretting horking down so many tadpoles.

11. What motivates your Dark Urge to either embrace or resist the Urge?

He wants to be liked!! He wants a place to belong!! Originally, this was his single biggest motivator under the cult to embrace his urges, although they didn't really become The Urge (as in periods of dissociation where he was completely out of control of his actions) until Bhaal returned when he was twenty-one) - he wanted approval from the cult, and especially from Bhaal.

When he wakes up in the Nautiloid, he still has that desire to be liked and to belong, but the context is completely different now. He doesn't remember being Bhaalspawn, so his desire to be liked is in the context of 'being a general nice person', not 'being the best possible heir to the Murder God'. The Urge is very much contradictory to 'being a general nice person', and they horrify and terrify him, that his brain could produce such awful things. So he fights it, with everything he has.

He's just started finding a new place to belong. He will not jeopardise it.

12. How does your Dark Urge feel about being a Bhaalspawn?

Horror and misery, with a side of, "Well, that explains the Urge." In a way, it's a bit of a relief - he knows not all Bhaalspawn are condemned to be evil serial killers, knows (for instance) about Abdel Adrian, and is able to be comforted by Jaheira that his blood doesn't dictate his destiny. By the end of the game, he's owning it - yes, he's a Bhaalspawn, supposedly the most 'pure' Bhaalspawn ever created - but if even he could break free from him, anyone can.

13. How does your Dark Urge feel about killing?

Best godsdamn feeling in the world.

(Followed immediately by crushing guilt.)

A part of him just… needs it wants it loves it. He desperately craves the feeling of life being extinguished under his hands, because of his own doings. He also recognises that, uh, maybe not the best thing to do, fights his Urge as hard as he can, only kills if it's strictly necessary, and tries not to get too visibly gleeful when he's in the midst of battle.

14. How good of a liar is your Dark Urge? How do they feel about lying?

Not good. He gets a bit too panicky to be a good liar, especially when he's already feeling guilty - one reason he didn't even try to cover up Alfira's death. He'd rather use Persuasion - or, in a pinch, Intimidation - rather than Deception.

15. What is your Dark Urge's greatest fear?

Killing someone he cares about. The night he nearly killed Astarion was probably the most terrified he had ever been.

16. What is your Dark Urge's greatest desire?

Being free of the godsdamn Urge. Which he gets! Love that for him.

17. What is your Dark Urge's greatest regret?

Killing Orin. He knew it had to happen, that she was too far gone, but also… she was his little sister. Yeah, they traded literal murder attempts like some siblings trade insults, but she was his little sister. Not all of their times together had been bad. A part of him had hoped, maybe, she'd see what she had helped him see, that maybe she could break away from the cult as well, but…

He keeps her dagger, Bloodthirst, as a permanent reminder.

18. How does your Dark Urge feel about love?

Loves it, also terrified about it. Tries to break up with Astarion several times (or asks Astarion to kill him) because he's so afraid the Urge is going to make him do something terrible, and he knows that the stronger he feels about someone, the more he's going to want to kill them. He wouldn't feel much desire at all to kill, say, Shadowheart, who he likes as a friend but isn't very close to - just the usual odd fantasy about what she'd look like dead. Someone like Astarion, though, or Gale, who's a close friend? The more time he spends with them, the more he has violent fantasies about them.

By late act 3, it's started to become a source of strength as well as fear. He's pretty passively suicidal, sometimes actively suicidal, but is holding on just because… he has people he cares about and who care about him. How could he do anything to hurt them?

19. Has your Dark Urge become particularly close to anyone romantically and/or platonically in their journey? If so, who, and what is the relationship like? If no, why not?

As above, he falls for Astarion. At first it's solely… oh damn he's pretty and also snarky, but by the time he starts seeing more of his vulnerabilities and actual personality, he starts realising he actually wants to be close to someone, and that Astarion is sort of… 'tainted' isn't the right word, but he's not afraid of corrupting Astarion like he would be for, say, Wyll or Karlach. He knows they're both inherently fucked up people, but maybe they can be better people together.

Friendship-wise, he ends up closest to Gale. Magic buddies :3 When Gale realises he does have some latent sorcery, he turns to Tavias for advice, and they can bond over that. He also ends up quite attached to Jaheira, who sort of becomes a mother figure to him.

20. Is your Dark Urge open about their Urge or do they try to hide it? Why?

At first, he hid it. When the whole Alfira thing happened, he came clean - that he has extremely violent thoughts, he's sorry, he's trying to fight them, he never meant to act on it, what happened with Alfira was something he's going to try his hardest to never let happen again, and he understands if they hate him for it.

21. What are 2-3 songs that your Dark Urge would relate to?

I suck at this question, skip :D

22. What first impression does your Dark Urge give off to strangers?

Shiny dragon boy. People notice the horns and scales first, wonder if he's a tiefling or dragonborn or something, which he just explains, no, he just has some dragon ancestry. Personality-wise, they notice him being pretty cheerful and friendly and sweet, if a bit high-strung and nervous.

Prior to brain surgery, similar appearance, but a much more disconcerting stare, like he was sizing people up wondering what their organs tasted like (which, uh, he often. Was. Yeah), and also had a persistent smell of blood.

23. How does your Dark Urge feel about what others think of them?

So how do you go from 'eleven-year-old boy with violent tendencies who's just killed his foster parents and is traumatised about it' to 'sixteen-year-old boy who's just gone on a serial murder spree'? Give him a nigh overwhelming desire to be liked and wanted!

Tavias is desperate for approval and acceptance. Learning he's Bhaalspawn, that he's important, that he's an heir to a god? They take that eleven-year-old boy, tell him everything he's ever felt is right and good, and that if he continues being right and good, he'll win the acceptance and love of his real father, Bhaal. So - he does. He learns to comparmentalise, shut away feelings of guilt, feelings of softness, compassion, all of that. The more people he kills, the more Bhaal will love him. He has a little sister, and he wants to be friends, but if he's not better at killing than she is, Bhaal will love her more. So better to shove her away. Get good at killing. Get to be the best.

And it works! Bhaal comes back when Tavias is twenty-one, looks at all the murders he's committed, and goes, yes, this one is my Chosen! He gives Tavias the approval he's so desperate for, guides him as a voice in Tavias' head, tells him he's doing all the right things. Don't put a foot wrong, or he'll take that approval away, and you wouldn't want to make the God of Murder angry, would you? So best to keep doing exactly what it is Bhaal wants him to do, be what Bhaal wants him to be, so he'll never be alone again.

He starts feeling for Gortash, and oh, that's not in the plan. All he can do is pray for forgiveness, for doing something as unimaginably awful as feeling emotions. He's so damn scared.

When he wakes up in the Nautiloid, he's still scared. Still wants that approval. The context, though, that's gone. He just wants to make his new friends happy, and turns out that it's easy, and it makes him happy too.

24. Does your Dark Urge have a treasured item with them? If yes, what is it and why is it special? If no, how do they feel about item sentimentality in general?

He's pretty sentimental after the Nautiloid, but like, in a practical way? Always picks up little things that remind him of something. Books and scrolls that jog some sort of memory, or an item that ties back to some sort of event he's just lived through. It's not one piece in general, it's more - he keeps items to serve as reminders for who he is, both good and bad (he has one of the bells off Alfira's outfit, and Orin's dagger).

25. How does your Dark Urge feel about Sceleritas Fel?

Pre-Nautiloid, he was extremely fond of Sceleritas. Sceleritas was his guardian from age eleven onwards, and Tavias trusted him completely. Along with Bhaal himself, Sceleritas was someone Tavias always wanted to please, and someone who was quite happy for Tavias to practice killing. When someone tells you you can do no wrong, now go ahead and gruesomely murder me like you clearly want to, well, how is a Bhaalspawn to resist XD;;

Post-Nautiloid, Tavias is fucking terrified of him. Sceleritas, for his part, is quite put out by this sweet, non-violent version of his beloved boy, as well as the fact that Tavias will actually?? refuse his orders?? Unheard of, really. He still wants to believe that Tavias can return to being the blood-soaked murderer he was, but by the time Tavias outright rejects Bhaal, he's actually kind of relieved to be free of what he sees of a parody of the boy he's raised for twenty years, honestly.

26. How does your Dark Urge feel about Bhaal?

Pre-Nautiloid: Adoration, idolisation, desperate yearning for Bhaal to love him, also a healthy dose of terror but that's kind of normal when Daddy's the Murdergod. Refer back to 23, Tavias is just desperate for Bhaal's approval and love, and will accept it in any form it's given.

Post-Nautiloid: NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. Single biggest cause of everything currently causing Tavias suffering. Goddamn terrified of him. Would be very happy if he poofed out of existence, tyvm.

27. How does your Dark Urge feel about giving and receiving orders?

Receiving orders, depends entirely on who's doing it. He has no problem receiving orders from Bhaal, or, uh, stuff from elsewhere in the cult phrased as if it's Bhaal's will. If it's someone like Sarevok, who he doesn't respect and who's on a similar-but-lower status to him (both Bhaalspawn, but Tavias is Chosen and more 'pure'), he'll just get stubborn and defiant, and if it's an underling, he may play along until, uh, he can kill them. Oh you thought you could order me around? Cute :)

Giving orders, not his best skill. When the Absolute stuff kicked off, it'd be like - all three of them working out schemes, then either Gortash or Ketheric doing the announcements. He started with a very respectable CHA 17, yeah, but Gortash had 18 and Ketheric 20 (and even Orin had 19!), so he'd be much happier just standing to the side and eyeing people up menacingly. You can look pretty menacing with gold eyes that you can make glow with a simple cantrip :D

Post-Nautiloid, he's still not comfy with either, and prefers to talk things out with the others. Honestly, even if he ends up 'leader' of the group by virtue of protagonist, I feel Wyll would actually take the leadership roll much more naturally? Either way, Tavias is happy for Wyll to speak for them all.

28. How well does your Dark Urge function under pressure?

Hahahahaha! Bad! (See: anxiety disorder.) He was nearly killed by Ketheric in the Colony largely because he had been fighting a panic attack since meeting Kressa and finding the Prayer for Forgiveness.

29. What advice would you give to your Dark Urge?

Given that I'm pretty sure SSRIs don't exist in Faerûn, he'd benefit enormously from something like cognitive behavioural therapy, both for aforementioned anxiety disorder and also the Durge-specific and general plot-related trauma. Does therapy even exist in Faerûn? Who knows, but he'd. Very much benefit from it. Just someone to talk to and to get some coping skills from.

30. What are your Dark Urge's intentions/goals after the end of the game?

Ooh man I have this all plotted out.

So, Withers? Is Jergal. Jergal? Is not happy about what the Dead Three have been up to, and also here's the son of one of those aforementioned Dead Three who he has now enabled to break away from. He's going to ask Tavias to be his Chosen, and help in his mission to eradicate the Dead Three and their followers from the face of Faerûn.

Tavias is going to agree, because he really does admire and is endlessly grateful to him, on one condition - Withers uses True Resurrection to return Astarion to mortality, then offer him the same deal to be Chosen (which, yes, will involve Astarion having to die first, since True Resurrection works on corpses, not undead, but it's fine he gets better). End result - two golden-eyed freckled elven Chosens of Jergal (Astarion is a sun elf!). S'gonna be fun everyone's going to take one look and go, "Oh, Lathander?" NOPE. THE OG DEATH DUDE.

So yeah, uh, getting into another holy war as the Chosen of a God, but that's okay because he was explicitly given the choice and he's in control of his own actions, and also Withers is basically his Grandpa.

(For the rest: Lae'zel is working with Voss to take down Vlaakith, Karlach and Wyll are in Avernus, Shadowheart is travelling with Aylin and Isobel, and Gale is a professor. Jaheira is retired now tyvm, so is Minsc, and Halsin is running a new community based near Reithwin, looking after orphans (including Yenna), refugees, and others displaced by the mind flayer attack, and lots and lots of critters, including Scratch and Bite (the owlbear cub). After the reunion party six months later, they all gather to go on a mission to Avernus to find a cure for Karlach once and for all. No one is getting left behind.)

[crechi-theringmaster]

🀫: individual traits

🀨: stuff we've said

additional system notes

for reference: redacted, amalgam, and placebo - the three alters in our head kymaera - a previous alter who split into amalgam and redacted; existed at the same time as placebo in a two-alter system karrion [yes, as in an animal carcass] - our name for our physical body, as all of us view it as separate 【:text】 - amalgamの備考 〘:text〙 - redactedの備考 ❴ :text ❵ - placeboの備考 [:text] - general note. could've been written by any of us, not important to specify who word.word - a typing quirk of ours. not purposely meant to emphasize anything, and has no meaning

☣＿content warning for: a suicide joke, sexual content, violent and/or disturbing imagery, body horror, sadist/masochist dynamic[s], semi-graphic description of fracturing, in-depth discussion of osdd system dynamics + mentions of; a mischaracterized sense of self, dissociation/derealization, psychotic hallucinations, manic episodes, in public mental breakdowns and panic attacks, anxiety disorder, emotional unresponsivity, emotional amnesia, maladaptive coping strategies, osdd system based duress, arguing within osdd system, autism masking, menstruation, and age regression

✧quot; 'spinning the wheel' [our carousel]

when we're under extreme emotional duress, our individual control begins to weaken. this causes all three of us to have full control at the same time, turning karrion into a kind of conglomerate of our personalities. [the inspiration for amalgam's name; from 'amalgamation'] 【kind of like eclipse :D】〘yes, mal-mal. like eclipse.〙

one of two things will happen;

1 .we'll be noticeably unresponsive, because with all of our different mentalities piled on top of and contradicting each other, we wouldn't know how to feel, let alone react. [the inspiration for redacted's name]

2 .karrion will rapidly flicker between our individual personality traits, never quite being stable in which one.of us they are. [basically, a quiet manic episode] hence, 'the carousel' of rapidly spinning over and over. ❴ round and round and round we go~ where will we stop? nobody knows! ❵

✧we can make projections to each other. basically just weaponized psychosis; used to be involuntary, and sometimes still is, but we can create them on purpose now. [the inspiration for placebo's name]

the projections feel incredibly real to us, and can:

―touch us [squeezing, tapping, caressing, rubbing, etc.]

―push and/or pull us

―make us feel pleasure enough to cum

―obstruct our ability to see

―obstruct our ability to move

basically anything that an actual, tangible object could do and feel like.

the form of the projection is determined by the person who created it, but common ones are:

.vessels of 'ourselves'

.placebo's projections

.detached appendages

.sun and moon from security breach【i don't want to hear it. you should've figured we were freaks by now】

visual projections are easy for us, because we're a visual learner, but auditory projections are considerably more difficult because we are, decidedly, shit at recalling and identifying audio sounds [we love vocaloid and screamo, but i swear that they're, like, the worst genres for us]

the one and only exception to this is the voices of people; any other audio we are completely blind to, and can't make projections of. likely something we learned because it was useful for autism masking;being able to analyze different intonations and inflections[also probably why we have such a strong emotional reaction to voice actors]

✧we are able to identify the point of kymaera's fracture into amalgam and redacted, because it happened recently. for a couple of weeks, we had:

—rapidly developing dyslexia that dissapeared after the split was complete.

—photosensitivity, in which flashing black and white images, intense eye-searing colors, and excessive glitch effects would trigger our split to worsen quickly, or just make.us consciously aware of it [either way, it felt like our mind was splitting, and.it was ♢not_good.png♢]

―sensitivity to static, garbled noises, and high-pitched.noises[< specifically the sound a computer makes when it turns on/is charging][atp low-key convinced that i'm an android]. hearing these would cause the same worsening splitting that our photosensitivity did.

―increased audio.sensitivity; we were two people at once, still sharing sensation since we weren't fully split, so on top of already being audio sensitive, it would ring in our head twice over! how fun~

―a complete lack of our prior pan/omni desires, being romance averse entirely and having no sexual attraction at all

[my guess, is we didn't want to remember or feel. so we stopped anything that might contribute to that]

*the fracture between placebo and kymaera happened too long ago for us to remember, and we actively erased everything that happened during that fracture via assisted.emotional amnesia.

✧if one of us tries to move karrion while another is fronting, the movements will be delayed, uncoordinated, off balance, and/or.lethargic. 〘there was a time placebo was making us food, so it had primary control, and amalgam was zoning out and.making karrion sing; he tried to dance a bit, and we almost fell several times〙

this disparity is flexible, as it is possible for us to have a near 50／50 split with control, or a different ratio, but it depends on how much energy we have, how much emotion we're feeling compared to apathy, and how.focused we are.

✧as mentioned in the last bullet point, the severity of our emotion determines how.much control we have. if we feel strong enough emotions, it's entirely impossible for someone else to take control, or for us to give.up control to someone else.either.

unrelated /j:

1 .amalgam and redacted are prone to panic attacks.

2 .placebo doesn't share emotions with us, unless extremely potent.

so, in conclusion, it would be nice, and probably was intended based on how our system is structured, if placebo could take over while we are panicking and allow us to decompress/ride it out.in our headspace, but it can't, because in the moment of panicking, our emotions are too strong.

instead, it resorts to projections:

―things[usually hands, sometimes tentacles] surrounding us and putting pressure on us, as a form of hug [sort of]

―our body being ripped apart by clawed hands.

―our head being pealed open [common one]

―[this one's more recent] collars/cuffs with chains adorning our neck, wrists, waist, thighs, and [maybe] ankles, but that last one makes it a challenge to walk/makes.us trip

―gagging our mouth with an unknown object [can't see it, can.only feel it.]

―skin peeling and melting off

―placey's tail constricting around us and [depending on how severe] tearing us apart

surprisingly effective; a lot of these involve us being torn apart because amalgam is severely more vulnerable to panic attacks than redacted [and his are.more violent on average], & he's an extreme masochist. pain calms him.down.

*you could imagine how confusing this was before we knew we were seperate people: having hallucinations of being eaten alive during a mental breakdown; the.horrifying visions calm me down, but i also feel a slight sadistic satisfaction at knowing i enjoy being torn apart. like wtf?? bro, what are you on?

✧placebo's tail: [since we realized forgot to explain]

a consistent projection, appears when placey's mad

―a long, thin, black.demon's tail

―typical club-shaped tip

―spikes protruding from everywhere down the length of it. they increase in length, sharpness, and frequency depending on how badly it wants to rip someone's throat out

＿＿＿＿＿

even before we knew we were a system, we'd do things in effect of our system. as.an undiscovered system, we thought we were just wildly unstable and volatile.

examples:

―placebo would intentionally make itself livid to keep control, because the alternative was karrion beaking down in the middle of the street.

―there.was always a period after a breakdown or panic attack where i was uncharacteristically calm, and i.just figured i'd overexerted my emotions and couldn't feel for a while; it was actually placebo taking control to give me a break

―the times kymaera'd feel more "in control" of ourself because we had faster reaction time, said things without second guessing ourself [because we didn't even hear the thought before karrion said.it], and.were more coordinated because we had less anxiety, were, ironically, the times.placebo was fronting and kymaera wasn't in control.

―kymaera called placey "Mr. Voice" and would have screaming matches with essentially what he thought was.himself

―one of our favorite songs was chonny jash's cover of 'the bidding' by tally hall, cuz it made us feel seen

―we'd talk to each other, only half the conversation aloud depending on who was in control; we'd use differientiators: 'you' v. 'me' v. 'us' as if we weren't actually monolouging. because we weren't. and it didn't feel that way to us. we still somehow convinced ourselves that we were one person, and it was just easy for us to create a faux dialouge because we have adhd.

it'd confuse.us when there.was a disparity in knowledge or understanding; the frequency of the phrase ｢[but] you're me.｣ made us question things several times.

we'd talk between us before and after kymaera split, though the feeling.of disconnect was even.more.pronounced when there were three of.us.

*in the same vein; before we found out we were an age regressor:

―｢i'm too big.｣

―｢i'm small right.now.｣

―｢he doesn't wanna be big!｣

―｢i'm too small [for this]..｣

―｢a nice place. where i can be warm and small.｣

―｢xe make me feel small. like xem.｣

〘he'd say things like this and not.bat a braincell. like bro−〙

【just thought i was being 'tistic.】

✧we can control a lot of things about karrion; placebo, in particular, is really good at this. [second inspiration for placebo's name, since this is basically just intentional placebo effect]

perception; we can:

―alter karrion's sense of smell and taste

we can make meat taste like candy or root bear soda like strawberries

for some reason, subconsciously? i think?? we changed the taste of chicken eggs. they still taste like eggs, but now come pre-seasoned with spinach and cilantro

―turn off our reception to pain

makes fist fights easy

painless periods babeyy

―dissociate incredibly easily

can turn it on and off like a lightswitch

works better if we use an ｢activation phrase｣; 'it's fine', 'whatever', 'bye-bye'【goofy ahh―】, 'anyway'

―turn off our motion sickness

is sometimes difficult because we'll forget we can, or it won't register to us that we're motion sick until it's more severe

we've been trying to comepletely turn off/alter our hearing and sight, too, [basically trying to make an extremely real daydream]【escapism yippee】 with mixed results so far. i think.the projections are as far as we can go with hearing and sight.

physically; we can;

―slow down our heartrate

a necessity chronic anxiety created

if we really wanted, we can hold it long enough to pass out [insomnia cure]

can't stop it completely, unfortunately

―extendedly hold our breath without triggering asphyxia heaving

mainly used to keep singing even after our lungs are empty 〘will stetson, spare us please〙

✧we have seperate cognitive function. meaning, we can multitask, and do entirely seperate activities at the same time.

currently, the most impressive example of this would be the instance where amalgam was writing down our story ideas while redacted was listening to instructions; amalgam did not pause to listen once, and redacted recieved the full instructions with no misconceptions

we've heard of a case where someone was able to have a full conversation while copying information from a board, and we've been trying to get to that level, though that would require at least two of us to both have 100% motor control over different parts of karrion, which we haven't mastered yet.【been kicking our ass ；−；still trying, tho】

[applctini]

RULES &&. GUIDES

GENERAL

i am a pretty flexible partner, but i can also be equally as slow when it comes to replying. i work anywhere from 32-42+ hours a week, this is a hobby not my life. as much as i respect your time in replying, please respect mine. never assume i've forgotten about a thread, because i promise you i haven't - i'm just a slow sloth.

i do not mind slight godmodding, as the characters of the hazbin/helluva verse are immortal, deities, creatures, etc. of supernatural origins. powers, strength, magic, voodoo, religion, all of it is bound to come into play one way or another. lucifer himself is an insanely strong being - he just doesn't use his power very often. the only thing that bugs me is others assuming what goes on in lucifer's head. the old cuck doesn't even know what's going in his brain except monkey banging cymbals.

no anon hate, i think that?? goes without saying lmao. it'll be deleted immediately. you can bully lucifer as much as you want, but i'm not tolerating that nonsense thank you.

YES !! those starter calls are for you baby! i want to interact with you. YES !! those memes i reblog everyday are for you !! i want you to pester me, lucifer, i adore having a full inbox because memes and asks are the BEST way to get my attention. you thinking you're not sure if it's for you? send in your own asks !! unprompted shit is my FAVORITE thing to see pop up on my phone as a notification. do it, bug me!! i'm not that scary, i am probably the biggest baby you'd ever meet tbh.

my icons are edited for me and me only, please do not take them, but i am more willing to share where i got the bases from so you can have your own !!

FOLLOWING

tbh i don't always look at my followers, i've been on this website since i was a kid. however that doesn't mean i'm not gonna follow you back. i mentioned i was slow, right? yeah, that - at most it takes me 2-5 days to follow back unless for some odd reason i really didn't see your follow. tumblr loves not notifying me anyways, so just keep that in mind !!

this is a roleplay blog. i will not interact with personals and i hope you respect that to not interact/reblog my posts. i won't block you so long as you respect this one thing i ask of. you're welcome to follow, read my things, but do not reblog anything from me that comes from me.

i don't do the whole follow-for-follow. that always annoyed me, it still does. i don't get it... just, no lmao. if i follow you, i wanna follow you. i wanna interact with you, not to just be a number.

OC's should NEVER feel discouraged with me !! my main multi is mostly oc's, i live off of oc's. i love them. i only ask that there's a base page where i can receive some sort of information on them - it doesn't have to be elaborate, but i wanna know them !!

TRIGGERS &&. NSFW

this blog will be heavy with mental health topics. it'll contain depression, panic disorders, anxiety, ptsd, thoughts of self harm, acts of self harm, martyr complex, and much more. if you are sensitive to these topics or anything you think might lead to these topics, please turn around and do not follow me. i tag everything, but this will be a big chunk of my blog regarding headcanons, certain threads, etc.

i adore writing smut, any forms of it, but i don't write it with strangers. it often comes with just shipping with me, which we'll talk about below. however, if we share a ship (or more !!) i don't mind writing it with you, any form, or at any time. i love the intimacy (or even lack there of oops-) when it comes to sharing a body with someone.

MULTISHIP YAY OR NAY?

YAY!! I am multiship*, i will gladly toss this clown around to anyone like the switch he is lmao.

i love ships, but i also ship with chemistry. i don't like forcing myself to fall for a ship that doesn't hit me and i wouldn't want to do that to a partner either !! it's easy to be a people pleaser on this site, but don't be afraid to tell me if something isn't working for you, i don't take any offense to it. we're all adults here, we can talk like them with our big words.

*i will mention more about my shipping in this post.

WRITING

i write typically from para to novella, occasional crackhead behavior here and there with one-liners. my asks usually wind up on the longer side falling into drabble territory because i love setting a scene, describing such little details that it's probably annoying lmao. you don't have to match me word-for-word, but i would appreciate if length was kept to similar status.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

me? i'm star, i'm 25. i work in retail, like i said i can be very busy during my workdays and may not always be available here. if you have my discord, don't feel discouraged to message me there, or even here if you don't. i will always try to make time between watching my department to reply to you. i'm often closing on my shifts, so usually by the end of the night i'm more eager to reply and like a chirping bird most nights. i'm under EDT currently (UTC -4H) so you can gauge my days.

[elaichoi]

tw: bit of discussion on mental health [diagnoses]; talks of depression/major depressive disorder, [social] anxiety, panic disorder, mention of agoraphobia, god idek tbh im sorry

YES LOL THEY WERE ANNOYING TO DO BUT $5 GIFTCARDS N SHIT ^_^ nooo i almost never did the surveys cus i get random emails and thats annoying and they also take forever,, so i only did the ones where u have to download whatever app (usually a game) they tell u to, use it for x amt of seconds/minutes (i forget) and u go back to the app and it gives u points or whatever that u redeem for giftcards! that's how i got superimpose actually 😭 edit tutorial accs would promote their code for that app/site (i don't remember what its called im not gatekeeping i swear) bc using their code gives both u and them extra points,,, and i wanted superimpose so i gave it a try and well what do u know 🥰🥰

my mental health story is kind of long and redundant and not that exciting so i shall spare u,,, well actually i rewrote this 383299 times bc i ended up trauma dumping i think... so um basics i got depressed my freshman yr of highschool, time skip- got diagnosed w depression, generalized anxiety disorder & agoraphobia, which the agoraphobia turned to be a misdiagnosis and i went somewhere else and got rediagnosed w panic disorder. child of a generational trauma that my asian parents do not think exist🫶 i alr knew a lot (90%) of my anxiety was social anxiety but i did not receive that diagnosis until this year. i lost my panic disorder diagnosis yay! andddd also got a diagnosis for major depressive disorder which was kind of an 'ohhhh' moment for me bc a lot of times i felt like antidepressants made me a lot better i felt cured lmfao i was hardly ever depressed,, except i sometimes get depressive episodes and im still struggling w the symptoms of depression that is not depression itself...if that makes sense...those symptoms being memory issues!! quick act surprised!! focus issues, i procrastinate a lot now.... which is important bc before all of this i was a very.. is high-functioning the right term? i genuinely dk if that's a term im supposed to be using,, but basically i was like top of the class student, always on-time and organized, never procrastinated, always remembered everything, i guess kinda type A personality lmao,,,, and now i am not 😃

im probably forgetting some other key stuffs but its okie,,,,, probably irrelevant but ive always been a fairytale hopeless romantic except a dumb long-term relationship got thrown into the middle and peak of my mental health mess (who told me that was a good idea 👺) has made me v antiromantic if u will 💀💀 i girlbossed myself into thinking im wise emotionally but i honestly am v v naive and sensitive and i will be a crybaby if snri's allow me to at that moment 👍

i used to be v smart but im kinda v dumb now but im also kinda trying to get back up again bc i feel? like im slowly improving in general? idk tbh,,, idk what im doing 😁

erm im v sorry this was very mentally unseggsy of me 😗 can u tell i have no concept of oversharing im so sorry for clogging your feed, qiwis followers pls forgive 🙇‍♀️

wbu? same question u asked me on mental health n cognitive functions ^^ only if ur comfortable answering ofc!

i think u could do it if u rlly wanted to, again u talent/hobby vacuum 👺 /j maybe like for blog milestone or something would be an excuse for a one-time video edit then you wouldn't have to continue if u don't want to ? hmm

whenever i didn't have ideas i would like choose a specific edit i rlly liked and use the same audio and like ""recreate"" it (not to post, its just for me & practice purposes lol). like the editor wouldve already split the audio for transitions and stuff so you can split your audio according to the transitions in their edit and add ur own clips over top. u can try to imitate their transitions or do ur own or whatever. i like doing that to practice bc it gives me somewhere to start! idk that's what worked for me personally,, just an idea for if u ever feel up for it no pressure!!

i don't think i could get into the video editing scene again bc i would want to progress to be a good editor and be confident ab my edits but capcut makes me insecure lol bc if everybody can do it then why should i take the time to grow and progress 😗 (that makes me sound like a pick me but again.. its similar to like ai replacing real working humans yk..😭😭)

my relationship ramble thingy ^ means that i also i love angst and making myself cry 😍😍🫦🫰 crack anything is 1000% your brand ‼️

omg yea real life inspo for ur reincanation aus ☺️ ehehe BUT YAY I LOOK FORWARD TO UR REPLIES SM HAVE UR NOTIFS ON LOLL i love talking to u! <3 consentual kisses! ^_^

wait....did we get engaged and/or married here,,,,,,,, on ur nsfw acct FJDJSK😭💀

oh my god i never tried that but i think there were some apps fr that were like ah yes get this free version and then watch a few ads and get one or two watermark free edits per day. BROOO THSI BRINGS BACK SO SO SO MANY MEMORIES!! (i think i rarely did that bc i was one lazy mf also vindictive so i did what i could to work with free apps)

life really tossed you like a salad damn baby I'm sorry you had to go through all that LIKE YOU COULDN'T CATCH A BREAK oh my god bro it seems like you kinda burned out? if that makes sense? because im sure a lot of things were expected of you ( asian parents here too also BRO THEY DONT think trauma EXISTS!) im glad you're getting better bit by bit HERE'S TO GETTING EVEN BETTER IN THE UPCOMING DAYS!!! we will kick mental illness's ass together lmao!

tbh third world country so never really got diagnosed properly but like most of my time i was suffering from. depression i was gaslit into thinking I'm just being whiny and uts not depression and because of this i developed repressive emotions where NOW it's my own turn where i refuse to acknowledge any kind of shit that happened to me like theres a sense of embarrassment where i can't like outright say like yeah this, and this happened to me because I don't anyone's "pity" and some huge ass shit happened to my family which made me haha something i cant say on here but im like over that now ( lol i need to go therapist for this) but yeah OH and I get the depressive episodes because i get that too oh my god like for weeks but my best friend once gave me, like just feel the emotions and let it pass like sure it will feel like a tractor running u over but it will get over and then one day you will take that shower and brush ur hair and feel a lil better!!!!

ooh but LIKE TUMBLR video platform sucks ass but i really like the idea omg i will think it through!!!

BRO NO WAY CAUSE I DID THAT TOO BUT LIKE WITH edits lmao but you're so freaking TALENTED DO YOU KNOW THAT?! i will have to try it I think with all thr tiktok edit trends now it's become easier to do those things i actualky tried to do some of it for my friends bday and it's coming up again so ill have to try!!!

okay but even if capcut exists which I think in a way is kind of good for people who loved editing but couldn't edit bc they couldn't work with, or afford fancy softwares yk but you can't deny the polishness that alight motion or vs will give you. you can't outdo the doer 💅🏼💅🏼 so you really should give it a try!!

you're SO SWEET I LOOK FORWARD SM TO YOUR ANONS TOO LIKE I ONLY COME HERE TO CHECK FOR YOUR ANONS LMAO i love talking to you too 🤭🤭

we're already married,, yes on nsfw kinda on theme don't you think so??

[gatefleet]

Fun in Fundraiser

The Resident: Conrad Hawkins WordCount: 1,282 (T)W: Panic attacks, panic disorder symptoms, crowded places Request: Yes, "“I'd like to request a story with Conrad Hawkins, where the reader is Nic's little sister, and she suffers from anxiety. When she goes with her sister to the hospital fundraiser she starts to feel overwhelmed by the excessive amount of people. Reader ends up having an anxiety attack, and when Conrad realizes he take her to a quiet place and helps her calm down. After some soothing words and giving her some oxygen she calms down completely and thanks him for all he does for her sister and her.” - @virtualreader A/N: Sorry this took so long, work has been hectic. I hope this is along the lines of what you were looking for! <3

You couldn’t tell which was worse. The fact that you had lost an argument with your sister, or the fact that the loss meant you had to attend a fundraiser the hospital she was working at was hosting. Social events were difficult enough for you at the best of times, but when it involved a hospital, where people were sick with God only knew what, that was too much for you to bare. Your sister tried her best to assure you that the event would be outside in the fresh air and that there would be plenty of safety precautions in place. You appreciated your sisters attempt to ease your nerves, but you still felt an unbelievable amount of anxiety and stress even thinking about the amount of people there. Your chest would get tight, your heart rate increased, and your breath got shorter. You had to use every piece of willpower in you to refocus your attention to try and prevent the panic attack before it was able to take full effect.

The day of the event and Nic helped you pick out something comfortable to wear and tried to talk you through the events of the day and the layout of the fundraiser. She hoped that by letting you know those things it would help to ease your nerves and allow you to plot routes to the places of interest to you and to know where things were happening and when to allow you to avoid the more crowded places. You arrived to the fundraiser early with Nic to help set up (you mostly thought this was a ploy by Nic to ensure you turned up), and met up with Conrad, who greeted you with a smile and allowing you to make any gestures for handshakes or hugs as he was aware of how you felt about social situations. You smiled back and he led you both to the tent where Nic could leave her things, you were holding onto your phone and purse (wallet) in your pockets and watched your surroundings subconsciously. Conrad and Nic could tell you were starting to get antsy and decided to give you something to do with minimal contact with people out with those you already knew and were comfortable with. It did do wonders with distracting you, but then the work was done, and it was time to let the ‘festivities’ begin.

You started off with the route that you had picked out, thanks to Nic’s map and notes, it didn’t take long for the plan to quickly derail as some of the tents and events had been moved around last minute due to spacing issues. You did your best to attempt to adapt and try different navigation routes, but to no avail. You found a bit of the hospital entrance, which was just high enough to allow you to view the general area and attempted to make a new route from there. When you thought you had figured one out, you set off for that direction, squeezing the stress ball in your pocket which Conrad had gotten you for your birthday one year. When you realised that the routes were busier than you had anticipated, even from your perch, you could feel yourself start to panic, your heartrate increasing, your face warming up, your eyes darting. You tried to make your way back to the medical tent where you had last seen Nic. When you realised you had managed to get turned around, and now had no idea where the tent was, your panic soared exponentially, and you suddenly couldn’t catch your breath. Couldn’t focus on anything. You tried to dial your sisters number, but you got bumped about in the crowd and dropped your phone in the process of trying to stay upright.

You managed to find a less crowded tent and sprinted for it, you sat with your back against the desk of the tent and pulled your knees up to your chest and placed your hands over your ears, eyes scrunched tight, trying to focus on your breathing.

Conrad thought he saw something in the corner of his eye when he and Nic went to find you after realising that some of the venues had changed position. They were coming to let you know and to find new routes for you. When they couldn’t find you immediately, they began to ‘tag team’ your phone with calls and messages, when Nic found your phone abandoned in the main walkway, they decided to split up and search for you that way. Nic took the entrance point and Conrad took the end point (where the medic tent was). The thing Conrad had seen from the corner of his eye was something darting for an unopened tent and dive down. He moved towards where he thought the movement went to and prayed, he wasn’t going to be attacked by a spooked animal. When he saw that it was you, he dived down a little away and slowly came towards you, trying to stay level with you so as not to startle you too much.

When he realised that you were too panicked to even notice him and had trouble breathing, he slowly and gently placed his hands on top of the ones you had at the side of your head. You jumped at the touch and attempted to back away, when you realised it was Conrad, you instantly threw yourself into his arms and asked him to help you. He obliged without hesitation and pulled you along with him to the medic tent as quickly as you both could. Once there he texted Nic a simple “Medic tent” and then his full attention was on you again. He had managed to get hold of a portable divider and set it up around you. He got you to sit on the bed and asked you to try and do something for him, when you gave quick half-hearted nods he said, “Okay, good, so I want you repeat after me, just listen to my voice and repeat after it, two”, “Two”, you responded, “18”, “Eighteen”, “5”, “five”, he continued with random numbers in a random order to slow your breathing while he set up the oxygen machine as your mind began to calm your body was having a hard time keeping up.

Nic walked in, almost in a panic, as you were taking your first deep breaths of the oxygen tank Conrad had just handed you, he placed a hand gently on your head and rubbed his thumb gently back and forth to keep you calm. As Nic makes sure you’re okay and goes to grab some water, you grab Conrad’s arm to keep him in the make-shift room a little longer, you lower the mask from your face, “Thank you, Conrad.” He smiles and lowers himself so he’s resting on his knees, “You know you don’t need to thank me, I’m just doing my job”, he puts his hand on your knee, comfortingly, before he gets up, you call him back “I don’t just mean for today… I mean for every day, and everything you’ve done for me and my sisters, even when things got bad between you and Nic, you were still there for us. I don’t think any of us have ever said how much we appreciate that and you. So thank you, Conrad. For everything.” You both smiled at each other, and Conrad gave a sad smile before motioning for the mask to go back up and walking out to find Nic. He had never expected anything like that and it meant more to him than he realised it would have.

(GIF Credit: @stephsxcorner)

[blnk338]

I read Ghost's backstory just now. I knew it was f-ed up but damn... He should really have a lot more problems than just being emotionally unavailable. I'm kind of surprised he's opening up to Reaper or anyone at all (it's great he is though). What's your view on his mentality in general, based on his past trauma? What are his habits caused by it? And is his original backstory even a part of your fanfic? Sorry if you already answered this previously.

anon i am so glad you brought this up bc i could talk about this for eons <33333 mwah mwah -- yes, simon's backstory is canon is RWYS!

i am so sorry i wrote this much on this LMAO

cw for heavy trauma, sa mentions, abuse mentions, eating disorders, discussion of mental illness

I think more people need to put more effort into their fics or stories when writing trauma because I often see characters be one of two things:

They're tiny, sweet, pitiful babies who don't know anything and they're so little and small and they're not even adults or people anymore

They end up being their abuser.

Both are terrible options and unfortunately, as I said, they're shown way too often and really do not illustrate a lot of trauma reactions (of course there are examples of them, but I have not seen them as commonly). I take the writing of traumatized characters from my own experiences and from my own research (and literal human empathy, which appears to be void in half of the Ghost fics I read).

I think the idea of making Ghost quieter, closed off, a wall of a man is an accurate reaction to the shit that he has been through. He has a mountain of baggage and I think it's nearly impossible to write him without considering that. There's a clear idea that he limits who he trusts, and allows even fewer people to look under the layers that he's built up; but it makes complete sense that he has a conscious amount that he "lets people see" (even those he holds dear), until he breaks down.

A few of the responses that I think he has are avoidance and isolation, and the development of depression and anxiety disorders.

Simon blocks out a lot of the memories that he has and largely tries to avoid any conversations or thoughts on the subject of his sexual assault. Obviously, as an SAS soldier, it's hard to avoid certain topics, but I feel like he separates Ghost and Simon as two different people. It's common to find that people will put up different "faces" when it comes to responses to certain traumatic experiences, and I think it makes sense that Ghost would be willing to handle anything; he could be beaten, screamed at, watch and do terrifying things, handle himself well in the battlefield, but Simon can't.

Simon is scared. Simon is nervous, anxious, he overthinks things. He bites his nails and paces around his house, he has three locks on his door, he triple-checks the windows before he leaves for the day-- Simon isn't the stone-cold person that Ghost is, Simon is trying to relearn how to be a person who doesn't hide knives under every chair in his home. (Please also keep in mind that Simon's psychiatrist was also killed, I believe, in the midst of the murder of his family, so he would also limit the mental help he gets because of a fear that it might happen again)

Isolation makes complete sense because, as I mentioned before, he might see him and Ghost as different people. Simon doesn't go out of his way to ask for help, there's an incapability to do so. With that comes helplessness because he might not see the change he wants to see in himself. He's gotten back up from getting shot, he's taken hours of beating and torture, why can't he just get past this? All of these different sides of him build into depression and mass depressive episodes, paranoia and anxiety disorders, insomnia, etc.

Eating disorders may come with that; forgetting to eat or not going out enough to get groceries often. Restless, sleepless nights. Panic attacks that rise out of nowhere, he manages to push them down into staring off into space and clenching his fist, masking it on the job or in public. Hearing people's words but not listening, spending hours in his room on base, letting his anger out in the gym, sobbing into his pillow into the wee hours of the morning.

On top of that, he also refuses to let his anger out in any way that would hurt people like his father hurt them. Simon is careful about touching people, but is especially considerate of his anger. All he does is think, think, think, about how not to turn out like his dad. That's another thing I see people headcanon, that he would be physically abusive, and I don't see that at all. Ghost and Simon don't touch people because the last thing they want to do is end up like his father.

Tl;dr: Simon is very, very fucked up from his past and is still working through it.

[deunking]

In A Long Time

You x The MoonKnight System

Rating: T

Warnings: Eating disorder not specified 

A/N: You are a part of the Mk system ! Have fun! 

Summary: You’re starving.

Word Count: 2,992

---------------------

You can’t remember when it was the last time you ate. 

The body is never really up for grabs; the other alters seemingly switch in and out on a specific system, which leaves you little or no time at all to front. It hasn't been that big of a deal in the past- the few times you've taken the body being because of silly things, like grocery shopping or going to the bank- but it's become rather annoying recently. 

Ever since your strike with death, the outcome of it all has made the others grow. . . Quite close. Even the mysterious third one that the other two and yourself haven't seen since childhood. They talk daily, they work together, and have arguments over petty things. 

They act like a family, which is excellent! What little memories you have of your family generally. . . Uh, lack sentimental value. So to experience your alters live with one another instead of amongst themselves is. . . Is cool. Really. 

You wish you could be a part of it. 

Which brings you back to now; you’re hungry. 

It’s the middle of the night, and, from what you can tell, the rest of your party is asleep. All tucked inside their metaphorical beds— ‘metaphorical’ because the last time you dived into the headspace, you found one of them sleeping on the floor— and gone with the sun. The body is still tethered to the last alter that fronted, but with a simple nudge, you can slip in unnoticed. 

The feeling of being something, someone, makes your heart twist. It’s been too long since you’ve fronted, and the body knows this. All those days, sitting back and watching through hidden reflections hits you like a truck. Loneliness sweeps through you, cold and unforgiving. 

You panic, thinking the release might stir one of the others awake, and hold your breath. Ten painful seconds tick by, yet nothing happens. Not another soul shoves you out of the driver's seat. You’re left unbothered, free.

And that might hurt more than you know, but the abyss crumbling in your stomach swallows that thought up and leaves nothing else. 

You’re hungry. So terribly— stupidly— hungry. Whatever foods the body last consumed fade off your tongue in seconds, trying to remind your brain that the bodies already eaten a failure as the absence of taste makes you feel sick. Though not ill with a cold but a morning sickness that comes with a reminder of the day's future events. Anxiety- you guessed- that made you repulsed by the idea of food. 

Yet you were so hungry. 

Throwing off the thin sheets, you stand up from the bed. A pile of sand greets your feet, yet the grains do nothing but shift beneath you. 

“ What the fuck,” You say out loud to yourself.” Do these guys not clean? I could’ve sworn. . . Hm.” You weren’t exactly there for the conversation. Still, a faint argument about who was responsible for cleaning up another alter’s mess— the very ‘clever’ ring of sand around the bed- does feel very familiar. Those arguments, who’s in charge of what, sometimes make you feel grateful for the lack of inclusiveness. The body may be an athletic mess; you’re not much of a go-getter. Yes, you enjoy a morning run every once in a while, but besides that and a few push-ups, you mostly like to relax. Do your own thing. 

Whether planting random things in your headspace or eavesdropping on others- your routine has never included chores of any kind. And it most likely never will. 

 You smile to yourself thinking about it. There’s been a handful of times- maybe once or twice- that a mess you’ve made was blamed on another innocent alter. 

Precisely one time- before you or either of them were consciously aware of one another- you tracked a nasty mess of mud into the apartment. An unfortunate result of taking a shortcut through the park on a rainy day after dropping off some bills at the bank. 

You didn’t even notice you’d done it before doing your second lap around the kitchen. Already munching on a pickle and your body sore from walking around the city, you casually shrugged and finished your snack. The mess was something that made you feel guilty for the poor alter that fronted a moment later, but the real kicker had to be watching them wash the pickle taste out of their mouth. 

Then, the memory made you shrink in shame. Your time with the body dwindled to practically nothing. It was a type of punishment for yourself that you subconsciously never confronted. The last time you were fronting was almost a month ago— just enough time to water the wilting plant in the window- you knew there was a problem. 

But you never took much time out of your day to think about it. Whenever the topic of your self-isolation reared itself in your head— you let it go. The thoughts would come and then leave just as fast. 

You thought of it as a type of amnesia, the kind that sucked any thought of anxiety out of you until you couldn’t remember what it was that made you feel upset in the first place.  It’s a pretty cool feature to have- thinking so much that you forget— but some side effects that you’ve come to discover haven’t been as savory. 

For one, your childhood was full of those types of thoughts. A few years ago, you might’ve been able to recite every horrible thing that you could remember, but now. . . You can’t remember much of anything. Maybe a few flashes of rain followed by the thundering strike of a belt. . . and darkness.

But nothing else. 

Nothing particularly happy or unique to yourself. 

“ Fuck.” You shake your head. The lingering thoughts turn into fuzzy memories you’ll probably forget the next day. You massage your temple and take a deep breath, the sand an unknown calming agent as the grains sink between your toes. 

Once you think you’ve sat around long enough, you’re hoisting yourself off the mattress. A slight itch tickles at your ankle, but you ignore it trying to focus on not making any more footprints in the sand—a careless mistake. 

Just as you’re stepping over the sand, something pulls tight around your ankle, and you end up face first on the ground. 

You grunt on your way down. The lack of time to brace for impact forces a strained breath out of your chest, making you cough and sink into the vibrating pain. 

Before you can process what happened— a burst of muffled laughter forces you to freeze. 

“ Qué idiota.” The Spanish accent is one you’ve heard multiple times outside of the headspace. The alter it belongs to being an annoying, sings in the shower, type that also loves to yell at the other two. 

“ Eso fue muy estúpido. No puedo creerlo.” You roll your eyes at the clear amusement in his voice. 

“ Jake! Shush! We’re supposed to be quiet!” Your face flushes red at the second voice, the British accent making you turn your head away from the mirror beside the bed. A pitiful attempt at trying to hide from the alters. 

This wasn’t how you wanted them to find out about you. 

“ ¡Qué! ¡Fue divertido! ¡Admítelo!”

“ I— Well, yeah, I guess it was. . . But still! Quiet!” 

Ignoring their continuous argument— the one you weren’t supposed to be aware of- you harshly rip the ankle restraint off and throw it on the bed. 

You hiss through your teeth, standing up. A sharp pain spreads around your knee before retreating into a dull throb. It’s not enough to stop you from trotting to the kitchen, but there is an evident limp to your walk. An embarrassing thing that makes you feel old as the joints in your hips pop when sitting down. 

“ Fue tu idea, ¿por qué estás tan enojado?”

“ Of course, it wasn’t my idea to bloody hurt them, you dolt. And I’m not angry!”

“ Parece Que estás enfadado.”

“ But I’m not mad. Do I sound mad? Cause I’m not.”

“ sólo Alguien Que está loco diría eso.”

“ I’m not mad! You’re just pissing me off-“

“ ¿Así Que estás enfadado?”

“ No! Would you stop saying that? I’m not-“

The more the two argue, the more a sharp pain increase behind your eyes. It stings with every little shout and burns an irritation through you. 

You don’t know if they could feel it— could tell that you were feeling this way- but even the most oblivious person would be able to see that you were upset. Hungry, hurt, and bitter. 

“ ¡Estás muy loco! ¡Es gracioso!”

“ Stop it! This isn’t helping, and you’re just being childish!”

“ Dice el niño enojado.”

“ Don’t call me that!”

Yet, you had to guess that neither of them had the same awareness.

“Lanet olsun.” You curse.” I just wanted a quick sandwich— is that too much to ask!”

You don’t realize you’re shouting until the silence of the apartment rings in your ears. The two alters arguing was replaced by the wind rattling the windows. You’re quick to try and find traces of them hiding in the sink's reflection. Not too keen on being watched, you’re relieved to see your reflection the only thing looking back at you. 

A simple thing that makes your shoulders relax and the knee pain bearable.

You huff. The hunger in your stomach pushes you to ignore a faint tug behind your eyes. “Want something to eat. . .Just a small snack.” The cabinets great you with little to nothing— a few packets of crackers, some peanut butter- but the sight makes you all the more hungry. 

“ Hm. . . Ah, here we are.” You lick your lips and reach for the empty bread bag at the very back. “ Perfect.” 

You throw down two slices of bread on the counter before pausing. The bag has two pieces of bread left- the two butt ends that no one wants and someone will surely throw away later- but their sight stirs your stomach. You shrug and throw the last two pieces out on the counter with the rest. 

The empty bag lays forgotten in the sink while you reach for the peanut butter. You generously cover each slice of bread until the ratio is outrageously ridiculous—the white bread is now nothing but a thin slice that breaks when you squish the pieces together. You lick your fingers clean of the peanut butter— same with the knife- and put away the jar. 

You don’t care to get a plate out and put both sandwiches on a paper towel on the table. You hum and lick the knife clean before putting it in the sink on your way to the fridge. 

“ Please, please,” You mumble, searching the fridge.” I know they’re here; I just saw them- aha! Yes!” You pluck the jar of pickles out from behind a bottle of milk and shut the fridge. A huge grin spreads across your face after cracking open the pot on the first try, and you stumble into your seat. 

“ Damn,” You lick your lips; the salty pickle smell makes your mouth water. Before you could savor the taste, one pickle disappears down your throat in a flurry of quick chomps. You bang the table and throw your head back dramatically.” Damn!” Your pink tongue licks leftover juices dripping from the corner of your mouth. The taste is enough for you to bite into another pickle- this one juicer than the last. 

“ Mm. Jesus Christ. Lezzetli.” You kiss the last bite of your second pickle. Not worried about anyone seeing you this way, the food haze clouding your shame- you throw it into the air. It bonks your teeth a bit but successfully makes it into your mouth. A satisfying crunch follows its way down into your stomach. 

You recline in the chair and take a deep breath. You’ve only had two pickles, but an annoying fullness is already pushing against your stomach. 

Which, is reasonable. . . To some degree. 

Once an acceptable amount of your hunger has been dealt with, you find out through the vanishing of your food haze- it has been many months since your last proper meal. Almost a year or so... 

You tilt your head at the thought. The idea of you not eating anything for almost a year is already concerning- for many reasons- but how you were able to ignore it is one thing entirely. 

Maybe you’re not as ‘educated’ as you thought about your own body. As the other alters eat enough for two human beings altogether- you thought your hunger wouldn’t be a problem. In the headspace, you don’t even have to breathe, let alone eat. And with you being in there for so long primary human nature shouldn’t be as. . . hurtful. It shouldn’t make you cry because you’re finally able to taste something.  

But it does just that. 

You let a few tears openly slide down your face. The cold chill a sizzle against your skin. You sniff, hesitating, before sticking your tongue out to lick up one of the drops. 

“ oh no,” The taste of salt brings more tears, and you lean forwards to hide your shame in your hand.” No. No…Neden tadı böyle? Neden.. . tuzlu?” You let a sob jerk your chest while reaching for one of the forgotten sandwiches. The disgusting ratio of bread and peanut butter helps shock your taste buds into forgetting about the tears. You push the food around in your mouth until it’s soft enough to swallow, but even then, a sob keeps it from going down. 

You let the sand which falls from your hands. The creamy peanut butter taste feels like gooey slime, coating your mouth and throat in a thickness that hurts. Your tongue pushes against bits of bread to try and soak all the peanut butter up, but all that does is make a giant mouthful of muck. 

A sticky, peanut and bread crumby mess. 

Your shoulders shake— the sobs growing more and more as unwanted thoughts try and force the bite down. 

Yet, you won’t swallow. An unwillingness feeds you to savor the taste for as long as possible. The thought of betrayal- being shoved back into the headspace- raging a storm in you that makes your stomach hurt.

They know you’re here. They know you’re here— they know. 

They’re going to throw you away. They’re going to starve you; you will never eat again. You will never be free. You will never be one of them. 

You will-

“ Hey.” 

Startled, You choke down the mess in your mouth. It goes down without much fight, but the aftertaste leaves you craving a nice sip of water. 

“ The sink.” You’re not one to take orders from others- especially people from Chicago- but the soft command nudges you towards the sink without argument. As if someone was guiding you by the shoulders, rubbing slow circles into your arms. 

You don’t realize it is- in fact- your arms until they move on their own to make you a cup of water. 

Your hands- no- your alter hands bring the cup to your face. Through tears, you stare at the rippling reflection on the surface of the water, visibly not your own, as the eyebrows twist in a way you know yours aren’t. 

Angry. . . But you have a feeling it’s not directed at you. 

“ Drink. Small sips.” The Chicago accent comes alive to cup your jaw. You lean back and let your hands tip a bit of water in your mouth. They hesitate as you swallow before allowing you two more generous sips. 

“ Ok. Feel better?” 

Still, it is spaced out, your throat recovering from the sticky peanut butter, and you nod.

“ Good. That’s good. Can I. . .?”

A gentle prod phases you out of the front for just a second. But it’s enough for you to sober up and shove back into place. Your heart is racing twice as fast now, trying to keep the alter put. 

“ Don’t-“ You shrink back at your shout.” Don’t, do that. . . Please.” 

You feel a pair of eyes on you and turn. The same eyes you saw in the cup stare up at you in the faucet reflection. It’s a bit hard to tell- your poor eyesight making you squint- but when the reflection moves up into the mirror a few inches away from the sink, everything becomes clear. 

“ Marc,” You breathe, the familiar eyebrow slit a sign as to which alter you were dealing with.” How. . . How are you?”

Marc- clearly uncomfortable- folds his arms. 

“ Could be better,” He looks down at the floor and then backs up to you.” Who are you? How long have you been here?” 

You couldn’t answer that question. Technically, you’ve been here as long as the other two- Jake and Steven- but the lack of good memories skews that. 

You decide to bullshit it.” Don’t know. A— a while. As long as Jake or Steven, probably”. 

Marc raises a brow.” Probably? Why’s that?” 

“ Um,” You look away.” I don’t— I can’t remember. My, my memories are. . . I can’t remember a lot.” 

You lick your lips with a sigh. Looking back at Marc, your shoulders hunch over your chest.” I’m sorry for all this… I was just-“

“ Are you ok?” Your lips tremble. The soft look in Marc’s eyes is like a punch to the chest, the pity making you feel all the more shitty. “ Do you, do you need something?” Marc eyes the forgotten food on the table. A pit of shame opens in your stomach. 

“ No, no. . . I’m good,” You give a quick smile, your head bowed.” I’m just going to— need to sleep. I’ll; I won’t bother you again. I’m sorry. Sorry.” 

You catch Marc’s eyes widen.” Wait, no-“ 

But it’s too late. You fade back into the headspace, a lingering taste of peanut butter replaced by the tasteless wetness of your tears.

[rikeijo]

Generally speaking, everyone has a limited experience compared to the whole population of the world, so sure, it's natural that a person interprets any work of art through their own, personal experience. That's a very valid way of enjoying art, but when it comes to discussing what the author has intended in as objective way as possible (as in response to the claim that it's necessary for Yuuri to asexual for YoI story to work), that can also be called 'a bias'. People just tend to interpret things in a way that is favorable for them - confirmation bias is a thing, after all.

Sayo said that she didn't intend Yuuri to have a mental disorder, and that means that her Yuuri, the canon Yuuri, doesn't act in a certain way, because he has a mental disorder, when we talk about the canon = what the creators intended. I've seen people criticizing some parts of the story - the ending, for example - from the perspective of 'this is not how anxiety works'. Of course, it's not. He wasn't written to have an anxiety disorder.

Personal experience is also subjective - in early 2020, I was diagnosed with panic disorder, and have been on SSRI for over a year after that. In my personal experience, what Yuuri experiences in ep. 7 is a far cry from a panic attack (which is basically your brain, your body thinking you're about to really die any second now - the irrational dread is so strong that your brain basically tries to shut itself off to not experience it even one second longer).

I'm not asexual, however, so I don't want to speak over somebody who is - I'm really not in a position to talk about their experience. My point was the opposite, however - it's about how Yuuri, who was also by the creators described as having a lot of typical Japanese traits, is by the Western side of fandom considered to be 100% pure and innocent, asexual virgin with a mental disorder (plus, sometimes a mommy and a housewife on top of that) and what it could mean... I don't claim that there is 0 people in Jp fandom, who consider him asexual, but that's a rather rare interpretation (and there is a reason for that - the story is full of sexual jokes and innuendos, also about Yuuri's reactions to Victor). I don't think I've ever seen a Jp fan interpreting Yuuri as having mental disorder, personally - I saw people being shocked that Western fans do interpret him like that, though. I find this difference in interpretation really intriguing.

Considering eg. Yuuri's sexual approach to Victor at the banquet, or the playful suggestions from the creators that he may actually be a pervert, or the suggestions that he may actually not be a virgin at all and has some experience, as not really important for the overall interpretation of his character is well, a choice. There may be several reason, why somebody would make such choice, and like I've said, 'this is what better resonates with me' is one of them, I think - imo, that's super valid. The claim that 'Yuuri needs to be asexual for the story to work' I would personally consider a stretch, tho.

About 'Eros' - imo, the searching for 'Eros' in the story is not searching for 'what it means to be sexually attracted to somebody' - it's about how Yuuri, who as Nishigori said has only limited experience, and doesn't feel confident enough to go 'I'm sexy and I know it', can skate the 'Eros' program better and sexier than Victor did. He finally finds the self-confidence sometime between ep. 5 and 6. And then this topic, or katsudon in this context, is never mentioned again.

Whether he's a virgin or not is something that there isn't a clear answer to in the canon - the 'top-secret romantic experience history', him not giving a 'yes' or 'no' answer to Victor's suggestion (eg. a one-night stand wouldn't count as having a 'koibito', because the word has a different meaning and suggest a degree of attachment), and having been described as 'Yuuri's true self is 'a virile son of Kyushu', which shows up when he's drunk, suggest that there is a lot about Yuuri that we don't know about, also in the 'romantic/sexual' department. That's why, it's something that has been discussed in Jp fandom a lot - like, so which it is, Yuuri? Virgin or not?

I hope you have a lovely day, too! ✨

On not getting eros

I’ve discussed Yuuri not getting eros multiple times, but I never explained what it actually means because this subject seems to be a sensitive and controversial one either way. Yet, it's also an important one for quite a number of reasons I will come back to later.

And that's why we need to discuss it.

First: What is eros? - a very short trip back in time

YOI explains eros as “sexual love”, matching the Ancient Greek definition as “sensual or passionate love” from which the term “erotic” is derived. Classical philosophers described it as a “madness from the gods” that befalls people at the sight of another person with disastrous results (e.g. the story of Paris and Helena). In YOI, this “madness” equates to “what causes you to lose the ability to make normal decisions”.

(The definition of eros varied a lot over the centuries. Plato defined eros as a general concept of passion that excludes physical attraction and argued that it can be utilised to pursue intellectual interests. Freud insisted that eros is not to be confused with libido, and the Catholic Church’s definition had a huge influence on more modern definitions and not for the better.)

What the ancient Greeks called eros is nowadays known as sexual attraction. Classical philosophers probably didn’t make the distinction towards romantic attraction since the two are often conflated. However, describing eros as a “madness from the gods” points towards a primal instinct that the majority of humans experiences starting from when the body begins to produce sex hormones during puberty.

What this implies for Yuuri

As an adult male of 23, Yuuri is long past puberty. Thus, one would expect him to understand eros on an intuitive level. However, what makes him lose the ability to make normal decisions is not the sight of another human being, not even his celebrity crush parading in front of him like a Greek god—no, it's his favourite food. And there’s only one explanation why that is:

So far, Yuuri has not experienced sexual attraction.

No anxiety disorder, no feelings of inadequacy, no lack of self-esteem, and certainly not an alleged ability to restrain himself can explain this absolute cluelessness about a basic human instinct. It cannot explain why Yuuri is immune to the sight of naked Viktor, i.e. why that doesn't make him want to bent Viktor over the edge of the hot spring and do unspeakable things to him. And this brings us to the critical part of the discussion:

Yuuri is on the asexual spectrum.

Where on that spectrum he could be, I'm going to discuss in a minute.

Yuuri is well aware that at his age the general populace is able to express eros and that by extension, he is excpected to and should be able to express it, too. In his first attempt at tackling eros, he uses his favourite food as a workaround, but if he had no particular food cravings, literally anything he’s passionate about would work, too (it took me ages to figure that out because, personally, I rather roll with Plato than food metaphors). Yuuri keenly feels that katsudon isn’t it, though. He thus changes the protagonist of the story he made up for his SP because he relates to the woman’s situation more than to the playboy, which works fairly well because it reflects his fears about Viktor leaving and his desire to keep Viktor for himself (see also this meta). However, it takes him until episode 6 to find his eros, and this eros is a very possessive and commanding one (see also this this meta). Essentially, episode 6 is about Yuuri learning that he is indeed capable of seducing Viktor with his skating and this ability comes with a certain power that is reflected in his scores. He doesn't magically experience sexual attraction now—what happens here has all the qualities of a kink with dominance/possessiveness, which Viktor seem to like a lot.

That Yuuri is asexual is essential for the plot of Yuri!!! on Ice to work.

Which asexual microlabels are compatible with canon Yuuri?

Aside from a few subtle hints, this is pretty much open to interpretation. The tie-grab in episode 8 and the strong sexual tension in that scene narrows the list down to demisexual, greysexual, or sex-favourable ace.

A demisexual Yuuri would experience sexual attraction once he has formed a close bond with another person or got to know them intimately enough. Before Viktor, Yuuri struggled to form close relationships of any kind; Viktor is the first he wants to form a bond with and whom he lets into his heart. In this context, episode 6 could be interpreted as the very first time Yuuri experiences sexual attraction.

A greysexual Yuuri would be capable of experiencing sexual attraction sometimes and in certain situations, but again, the point when Yuuri perfects eros defines the earliest instant at which he would experience sexual attraction for the first time.

The likeliest interpretation that I found, however, is that Yuuri is a sex-favourable ace. It’s not only the tie-grab in episode 8 that besides its obvious kinkiness oozes a sexual tension that implies that he and Viktor did it (and liked it), but also the lyrics of Stammi Vicino describing viktuuri on a meta level:

Le tue mani, le tue gambe, le mie mani, le mie gambe, i battiti del cuore si fondono tra loro. Your hands, your legs, my hands, my legs and the heartbeats are fusing together.

This line expresses a unification on a physical and on a mental level. It implies a strong physical intimacy that can't be explained by Yuuri and Viktor being together and skating together in the gala alone.

The differences between these microlabels are hidden in the nuances, the rest is up to personal preference/experience. If you want your Yuuri to be canon-compliant, you can't go wrong with either flavour of aceness, including those I didn't discuss because they seem less likely to me. If you came to the conclusion that a sex-repulsed kinky Yuuri would work just as well, my answer to you would be that canon Viktor would be happy with everything his Yuuri is willing to give. If there's a fictional couple who would make a relationship in which one partner in sex-repulsed and the other is allosexual work, it would be viktuuri.

Next some questions I wish someone had explained to me in this context:

Q&A: But why does Yuuri...?

dry-hump Viktor at the Sochi banquet: If the amount of clothes Yuuri wears gives away the timeline of the event, he danced with Viktor before he went off to the pole with Chris. Some of this dancing was quite physically and that can be totally enough to make a sensitive person horny (and Yuuri is very sensitive to touch). Add an unholy amount of alcohol to this and you have Yuuri rubbing his genitals at his idol. (note that libido ≠ sexual attraction)

say that Viktor could impregnate everyone, including him: Being asexual doesn’t deprive you of the ability to identify sexiness in other people and understanding the meaning of “hot”. Viktor demonstrating Eros right in front of Yuuri would instantly put Yuuri into a massive swoon, and while it wouldn't make him horny and want to fuck Viktor, he would be be swept away because of how cool and amazing Viktor is.

hastily turns away when Viktor stretches in front of him in the bath: Well, that's an obvious reaction of discomfort. Not everyone would be happy to stare right at someone else's dick (unless you love dicks, obviously).

On a side note, I find it quite ironic that Morooka calls Yuuri “Japan’s ace skater” in the Blu-ray subs, but aside from the fact that things one character says about another should always be taken with a grain of salt, deriving a character’s sexuality from such wording is as far-fetched as deriving it from colour schemes or characters blushing at one another (and in YOI, they blush like all. the. time.). I have no idea if the YOI creators intended an asexual reading of Yuuri. However, the result is an unambiguously ace-coded Yuuri that is needed for the story of Yuri!!! on Ice to work.

Why this discussion is overdue

Good ace representation: Although it's not officially confirmed, Yuuri is a realistic representation of a queer label that is often overlooked and underrepresented in media.

Educational purposes: There are many harmful misconceptopns surrounding asexuality, and while this post doesn't aim at dispelling them, I hope it will make a little difference.

Spreading awareness: Because there is so little awareness about what it means to be asexual—even inside the queer community—the ace-coding is only obvious for people who have educated themselves on the subject. Unfortunately, this makes Yuuri being prone to mischaracterisation.

Helping people figure themselves out: Asexuality is a concept that is very hard to make sense of when you don't even know that you experience things differently. I've seen posts discussing ace-coded characters and they only confused the hell out of me. I hope that this post will be helpful to other people being unaware of or questioning their aceness.

Last but not least: Not being sexually attracted to people doesn't impact or contradict Yuuri's romantic orientation. I will discuss Yuuri's "top-secret" love life in my next meta.

For further reading about Yuuri and his endeavours to tackle eros, please check out these metas:

How skating to eros despite not getting it showcases Yuuri's extreme bravery (episode 3) [X]:

Yuuri finally finding the definition of eros that works for him (episode 6) [X]

The development of On Love: Eros throughout the series, including the a discussion of the workarounds Yuuri uses: [X]

My special thanks goes to cecebeanie for our countless discussions on the subject and patiently answering even my stupidest questions, for proofreading, and for encouraging me to write this post in the first place 💜💙

If you like my metas, please check out my works on AO3.

[noxexistant]

Hi I wanna know what you think all the newsies’ mental illnesses are 😤

Or as many as you can think of

oh, hell yes. bout to put my lifetime of my own brain plus everyone i’ve met through mental health exploration and treatment plus living in care with other traumatised and mentally ill kids to work. (although, obligatory disclaimer, these are just ideas and me messing around, mental health is messy and complicated especially when translating between modern understanding and how that would’ve been understood and expressed in-period. this is not me formally diagnosing these characters, more just being like ‘hey, what if’ in a more nebulous sense. and, again, mental health is messy!)

first of all, jack definitely has c-ptsd - complex post-traumatic stress disorder, caused by consistent and long-term trauma and, as the name implies, with more complicated and far-reaching symptoms than ‘standard’ ptsd. he dissociates a lot, and his visions of santa fe can border on delusion when he’s in worse states - which can sometimes border on hypomania. his self-esteem is unstable and imbalanced, and he has a lot of issues with paranoia; he believes the world is against him, that anyone will betray him, that any information learned about him will be used against him. he lies compulsively as a result, about even the most innocuous stuff. he uses anger as a cover for his emotions. he’s restless and unable to really hold grudges because he’s so desperate for bonds, but he’s also quick to back off when people get too close. he has a pretty fearful-avoidant attachment style, but feels deeply betrayed when other parties are the ones to back away from him instead of the other way around. he also probably has adhd, defined by hyperfocus and hyperfixations and inattentiveness to anything he finds dull, he’s fidgety and talks a lot and usually ends up putting his foot in his mouth and then talking even more.

david has anxiety and frequent panic attacks, and i can also see him having ocpd - obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which is entirely separate from ocd. it’s characterised by a need for perfection and severe anxiety when things aren’t perfect, holding unrealistically high expectations for himself and others, and getting very anxious/distressed when mistakes are made by himself or others. he likes things organised and structured, his perfectionism holds him back from actually doing things, he focuses on work and productivity rather than his needs or hobbies, he has trouble delegating or working with others as he can believe that he’s the only person who can do something right. he has to hold himself back from immediately re-doing tasks for others, like when one of the other newsies ties their boots sloppily or les doesn’t fold his clothes right or sarah doesn’t wash the dishes properly. he’s also autistic.

crutchie has ptsd, bouts of depression, and is all but incapable of being honest about his emotions - he’d rather keep them under wraps and all but avoid them entirely, would sooner make himself sick with them than express them openly to others. he also dissociates, which helps with avoiding emotions, though his dissociative bouts happen most commonly after ptsd triggers or flashbacks. he goes empty-eyed and unresponsive when he’s dissociating, just staring into the middle distance, and he can’t get out of bed on the worst days of his depression. he won’t eat, won’t speak, will at most just try and smile at anyone who expresses concern - tight-lipped, more of a grimace than anything.

race has adhd and episodes of hypomania. he exhibits self-destructive and self-endangering behaviours, including starting fights and generally just doing stupid stuff that could well get him and others hurt, and he absolutely cannot be talked down when he’s hypomanic. he has aggressive/violent outbursts if anyone tries, will stop talking to them - usually running away to brooklyn entirely - until he’s come down by himself, and then he’ll come back and apologise sincerely for what he might’ve said when he was “jittery”. the others are always understanding, though race still harbours a lot of shame for it. he’s terrified one day he’ll say or do something that makes spot hate him.

albert is anxious and restless and a kleptomaniac - he steals compulsively, particularly anything shiny or expensive-looking. he’s not great with relationships, tends to have little interest in other people, and can’t really read tone or social cues. i could see him having symptoms of autism or schizoid personality disorder, which have a considerable overlap in symptoms, most commonly characterised by difficulty with relationships and disinterest and “lack of humour” and preferring being alone - though quite probably not enough symptoms to be diagnosed with either (speaking in the realms of a modern au).

finch, i could totally see having schizoid personality disorder. he’s paranoid too, frequently gets the idea in his head that he’s being watched or followed, particularly since he ran away, or feels like the others are talking about him. he hoards food (as much as he can when there’s so little of it) and has a lot of sleep problems, sleeping little and light. he doesn’t really dream, but when he does they’re stress dreams or nightmares and he always wakes up with his heart pounding. he’ll spend the time until the bell rings sat up, eyes darting around the room, sure there’s something, someone, something.

specs has symptoms of ocd, most commonly rituals to ensure the safety of the other newsies. he has to wash his face just right so that everyone sells okay that day, and step over the trolley lines perfect because if he doesn’t someone‘ll get hit, touch each of the beds in a certain order to make sure everyone’s safe for the night, stuff like that. his glasses are also always spotless, and nobody can touch them.

tommy boy stammers and has social anxiety. splasher has ptsd, and frequent nightmares because of it - and an intense fear of abandonment. elmer has very little self-esteem and is loud/disruptive for attention, including making out-of-turn jokes. henry harbours nothing but guilt for his father’s death (even though it wasn’t at all his fault, it’s often just how grief manifests) and isn’t processing his grief at all, sometimes he’ll lose himself in the delusion that his father isn’t really dead and the deli is still waiting for him; he also has a lot of issues with food, including binging when food is available.

spot’s got c-ptsd and his complicated emotions tend to manifest as anger/aggression. he doesn’t know how to articulate his feelings, and usually won’t try. she’s kind of terrified by her relationship with race, because she doesn’t know why race likes her and wholly believes that he’ll suddenly stop. their sense of self-esteem is very complicated - very high in some aspects, and non-existent in others. he can struggle with depersonalisation.

and, bonus, because i’m me:

the delanceys both have c-ptsd. oscar has adhd and antisocial personality disorder. morris has bpd and autism. feel free to ask me if you wanna hear more about them, or about any other characters i didn’t mention, or even just more about a character in particular <3

[writingformyblorbos]

Hiya, would you mind to write a Steven Grant x reader where he encourages her to stick with recovery from self harm and anorexia? She also feels like a burden to him due to her mental health struggles (major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, PTSD from sexual assault).

If that's too heavy (which is fair, it is) that's okay.

Hi! Yes, I’d be happy to. Just a footnote of sorts, I left out the s/a out of the fic because it is a topic I don’t feel comfortable writing about (see my rules section). I’ll also leave a link to a page that has a bunch of resources in case you need to seek out some extra help: https://checkpointorg.com/global/. Lastly, Turning Page by Sleeping at Last gave me a bit more inspiration when writing this. I hope you enjoy the fic!

You can count on me

Steven Grant × fem!Reader Summary: You return home from a bad day at work and Steven is there to comfort you. Word count: 808 Warnings: Allusions to an eating disorder, anxiety, depression and self harm; not proof read.

You fell on the worn loveseat near the bookcase, kicking your shoes to the floor. Today had been a shitty day at work, to say the least. A nasty woman reprimanded you for something that hadn’t been your fault, leading you to have a panic attack, along with the fact that lunchtime hadn’t been easy on you. And as if it hadn’t been enough, it had been one of those days when you felt continuing your recovery was a waste of time. The world fell in silence around you as you finally got to have some peace in your shared apartment with Steven.

You two had moved in together not very long ago, agreeing you could both use some company. You loved sleeping on Steven’s lap as he read his books to you and ran his hands through your hair, how he was teaching you how to solve a Rubik’s cube, cuddling in the couch as you both watched documentaries on history or watched cricket matches, and feeding Gus with him. He had also been incredibly supportive throughout your recovery, making sure grocery shopping and cooking was handled by him alone. Granted, he wasn’t the best cook, but you knew how much effort he put into making sure you got better day by day.

The sound of steps approaching shook you out of your thought-induced trance and prompted you to look at the figure approaching. You were so tired you had forgotten to say hello to Steven, which probably alerted him as to something being wrong.

“Hello, love. Everything alright?” he knelt to the ground next to you, asking with a sweet tone in his voice.

You didn’t want to bother him with your troubles, so you simply nodded. Steven, however, noticed something was off. He could see it in your eyes, something had happened. He ran a hand through your hair. “You sure? We can talk about it, you know?” he was worried about you and wanted to know if he could help out.

You sat up in the cushy surface to face him directly, “It’s nothing, really,” you returned the gesture, using your fingers to remove messy curls from his face, “Don’t worry.”

Now, telling Steven to not worry was practically useless, since he would do the exact opposite. He took the opportunity to sit down next to you and grabbed your shoulder in reassurance. “It’s alright, love. You can tell me.”

You felt a lump forming in your throat as you tried to hold back the tears from spilling. You quietly asked Steven, “Am I a burden to you?” a tear making its way out of your eye.

He was taken aback by your question. Did he do something to make you feel that way? “No, no, no, not at all,” he frantically shook his head, “Why— why would you say that?”

Truth is, you couldn’t help but feel as such. For many years, getting out of bed was a daunting task and eating was a terrifying experience. When you met Steven, though, you felt as if you had dumped all of those issues right onto his already busy shoulders carrying his very own troubles.

“I know I am one”, you sobbed, “I’m so sorry for—”

Steven cupped your cheek, wiping away the tears, “Don’t ever say that love,” he interrupted your sentence, “That’s not true.”

He felt sympathetic towards you; he often felt like a burden as well. But in his eyes, you were the furthest thing from that. You would listen to him when he would rant about whatever it was that was on his mind, you would comfort him in the middle of the night whenever he had a nightmare, you never failed to cheer him up, and you were always there for him. He adored being in your company and was astonished to see you thought of yourself as a burden.

You directed your eyes towards your lap, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“Do what, my love?”

“The treatment. I just… can’t.”

It broke Steven’s heart to see you like this emotionally beaten up. He didn’t know for certain how you felt, but he desperately wanted to share the pain with you to help you lighten up.

He turned you around by the shoulders, making you face him directly, “I understand it can be extremely hard, love, but you are one of the strongest persons I’ve met in my entire life,” he caressed the scars on your arms, “This is no easy battle, yet you’ve managed to make great progress, and I’m positive you’ll continue to get better. And for that, I couldn’t be prouder of you.”  

The sincerity of his words made you melt to your core, urging you to hug him, leaving tear stains on his shirt. A quiet thank you left your lips as Steven tenderly cradled you in his arms. You never thought it could be possible to physically feel love emanating from another person until now. You knew you weren’t alone.

There are moments you wish you could freeze in time and make them last forever. In your case, you would choose this one.